Halfway Gone
by tanglee
Summary: AU They'd been happy, sure they'd gotten married too young but they were happy. Until Quinn Fabray happened. Finn and Rachel got married after Nationals in season 2 but it all unravels too fast.
1. Chapter 1

_Rachel_

The door swung open and I was once again face to face with the girl who had ruined my life. No, I wasn't being over dramatic, Quinn Fabray had actually ruined my life. Or at least my marriage. I was having some very violent thoughts. Thoughts which involved grabbing Quinn by her glossy blonde hair and slamming her face into the door frame. Of course I didn't.

Quinn narrowed her eyes and gave me the patented ice-queen glare. "What do you want, Rachel?"

"Is Finn here?" Good Rachel, cut to the chase. Quinn's glare got more icy if that were even possible.

"No. He's not. What do you want?"

What did I want? Oh, I don't know maybe everything you've ever taken from me. I bit my lip to keep those very words from spilling out of my mouth. I dug through my bag, pulled out the papers and thrust them at her.

"Can you give him these and actually get him to sign them."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"These are the fourth set of divorce papers I've had drawn up, he hasn't signed any of them."

I watched as all the color went out of her face – so she didn't know Finn refused to divorce me. I didn't know how that made me feel. I did, however, feel a sense of satisfaction of having one up on Quinn. Except, she had him. She'd had him all these years. He'd chosen her. She'd won. He'd left me for her. Quinn had been right, she got him, I got heartbroken.

I sighed, "Just get him to sign them."

I was halfway down the path when her voice stopped me; "He went to college. He has a career now."

I froze and turned back to her; "Why are you telling me this?"

Quinn smiled and shrugged; "I just want you to know he made something of himself. And he didn't need you to do it."

There it was. It was as though time had stood still and I was back at High School and Quinn was telling me I could sing and dance with Finn all I wanted but I'd never have him. Quinn had always known exactly how to hurt me without ever laying one perfectly manicured finger on me.

_Finn_

Quinn was sitting up straight on the couch, perfect posture, her hands folded in her lap when I walked in the door. She looked life one of those perfect, creepy Stepford wives. Except, no matter how hard she tried, she wasn't anyone's wife.

"Do you think you could wait until I've got a beer before you start bitching at me?" I asked as I strode past her into the kitchen.

"Your wife stopped by today."

My had froze on the fridge door. Rachel. She was back in Ohio. She'd been here, talked to Quinn, this was gonna be rough. I ripped the fridge open, pulled out a beer and took a swig. I'd need some alcohol flowing through my veins for what was coming. I strode into the living room and stood in the middle of them.

"Fine, Quinn, let me have it."

"She brought divorce papers. Papers I know you won't sign."

I kept my mouth shut. I knew better than to say anything when she was in scary Quinn mode.

Quinn sighed; "What are you doing, Finn?"

"Look, if you're gonna start calling me ten different kinds of idiot, I'm going to need some harder liquor."

When did it get like this, when did we actually start to hate each other? Was it when I used her to drive Rachel away or when Quinn started screwing Puck and I just couldn't care? I looked at her now and I couldn't see the girl who fascinated me sophmore year.

"You are an idiot Finn. We've got a great life here and you're holding onto the past. If you would just sign those damn papers we could get married, start a family."

"You already started a family, Quinn, with Puck. Remember Beth?"

It was a low blow but this is what we'd become, hateful glances, sniping at each other.

"You need to wake up, Finn, Rachel's not coming back to you, you pushed her away, remember? And if you think she'd come back then you're a bigger idiot than I thought." She paused and looked at me as if she expected me to completely agree with her, "I know Rachel Berry's always been your obsession..."

"I'm not obsessed."

"Right," She scoffed, "That's why this place is pretty much a shrine to her."

"Quinn, can we just not do this now?"

She stared at me for a moment, stood up and smoothed a non-existent wrinkle out of her dress.

"Look around you, Finn, we have a life here, it's time you started living it."

I looked at her in all her blonde Prom Queen glory and it came back to me, the moment the disgust for her started creeping in...

"_I'm not actually going to have sex with you, you know that, right?" I asked Quinn as we started undressing and pulling back the bed covers. _

_She quirked a perfect brow at me; "It would have more impact if we did."_

"_Well, we're not. Do you even want to know why I'm doing this?"_

"_It really doesn't matter to me, Finn, as long as I get you, Rachel gets heartbroken and leaves our lives for good."_

_It was in that moment that I started to feel something like hate towards Quinn Fabray._


	2. Chapter 2

_Rachel_

"What's up, Hobbit?"

I smiled and flopped back onto my childhood bed, somehow in the last four years 'Hobbit' had gone from being a name thrown out to torment me with to a term of endearment.

"Guess who I saw today?" I asked. I knew she'd start going through a a whole ranting list of guessed. It's what she did. I rolled my eyes and plumped my pillow because I might as well get comfortable.

"Oooohhh," and here we went, "Johnny Depp, Justin Beiber, Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift?" She asked as if any of those options were feasible.

"Santana." I cut her off, mid rant right when she was taking a breath. I could hear her laughter bubbling across the line, warming me with affection.

"Ok, who'd you see?"

"Quinn Fabray."

The laughter came to an abrupt stop and I stared around my old room as I waited for her to process the information I'd just handed her. Maybe I should redecorate. If I was going to be in Lima for awhile, I might as well make my old room more grown up. I came back from my thoughts of paint swatches and curtain fabrics with Santana's next statement.

"Was she fat? Please tell me she's fat. Morbidly obese. Maybe with a couple of front teeth knocked out. Oh, is she bald?"

I wished. I really, really wished. Except that's not my luck. Karma wasn't being so kind to me at the moment. Or ever.

"Nope. She's still blonde, beautiful, Prom Queen Quinn Fabray." Still perfect Quinn with her flawless skin, perfect nose, blonde hair and the love of my life. And I still had secret fantasies of scratching her eyes out. Spending the last few years with Santana had made me become slightly more bitchy, even just in my own head.

"Bitch," Santana sneered, "And for the record she never actually really won Prom Queen."

"She was just as perfect as she's always been and I felt like I was sixteen year old, plain, loser Rachel."

"Stop. You're beautiful," Santana said with so much conviction I had no choice but to go along with it, "So, why'd you see Quinn?"

"I dropped some divorce papers off for Finn."

There was dead silence. I actually thought I could hear birds tweeting outside my window. Maybe Santana hadn't heard me, maybe she'd hung up.

"He's not gonna sign them, Rachel, you know that."

I sighed, "Yeah, I know."

I'd always known it, I didn't know why I bothered having papers drawn up any more, maybe this time I just wanted an excuse to see him, to set my eyes on him. What I didn't want was to see Quinn Fabray.

"And you don't really want him to."

"I know. Does that make me pathetic?"

"A little." That was one of the things I loved about Santana she always told me the truth, no matter how brutal that might be.

"Do you think he's happy with her?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" She shot back.

"Yes." No. I didn't know. It would probably crush me either way.

"I don't think he's ever been really happy with her."

Then why did he keep going back to her? Was it because of those damn fireworks he told me he saw when he was kissing her, though he had told me that when he had Mono, so maybe it was the fever.

"She said he's made something of himself." I whispered.

"That's good, isn't it?"

"Yes, it's just the way she said it like it was an insult to me." Which was what Quinn had intended, she wanted to dig the proverbial knife in just that little inch deeper.

"Everything Quinn has ever said to you has been an insult."

"Yeah."

"When are you coming home? You're starting to sound like whiny Rachel Berry not Broadway Diva Rachel Berry."

"I'm not on Broadway, Santana."

"Yet. Hobbit, you're not on Broadway, yet."

I smiled. That was why we were friends - or at least part of the reason, Santana had more than enough confidence for the both of us. I could almost pinpoint the moment she'd stopped being bitchy bully Santana and became tentative friend Santana.

_I was sitting in the choir room after Glee practise sniffling to myself and wiping tears away after watching Quinn drape herself all over Finn. I guessed they were together now. He'd left me for Quinn. Again. He'd talked me into marrying him then decided it was Quinn he really wanted. _

_Out of the corner of my eye I saw a Cheerio uniform clad Santana sit in the chair next to me. _

_"If you've come to brag on Quinn's behalf you can save it. I get it, she won."_

_"You know, Hobbit, this little pity party is really pathetic."_

_"Quinn's a bitch."_

_Santana smirked; "Yeah she really is. Though I never expected her to try to steal another girl's man."_

_"Why not? You did."_

_"I'm going to tell you the difference between me and Quinn. Sure I got it on with Finn but you two weren't together and I only did it to prove I could have him if I wanted, I never wanted to keep him."_

_"Quinn does." And it seemed like she would always get him._

_"That's right, she does. Do you want my advice?"_

_"Not really." I muttered but I knew she was going to give it to me whether or not I wanted it._

_"Let her have him."_

_"What?!"_

_"For now. Let her have him for now. You're better than Quinn, as much as it hurts me to say it, you are, you're gonna get out of this town and become something. She's peaked in highschool."_

_"But Finn..."_

_"You and Finn love each other, everyone can see it. I don't get why he did what he did but you guys will eventually end up together."_

_"I hate her."_

_Santana leaned forward, "I know. But you need to get out of this town, go to New York and become even more of a diva."_

_I sniffed and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand, I couldn't believe I was having a heart to heart with Santana but I couldn't stop myself from confiding in her._

_"I want to her to hurt as much as I do."_

_"I know but you know what the best revenge is? You go, become a star and in a few years come back and if you want Finn..."_

_"I'll always want Finn."_

_She rolled her eyes, "So, then you come back and take back what's yours."_

_"What if he's not mine to take back anymore? What if he never was?" I asked, quietly voicing my greatest fear._

_"I think everyone knows he's always been yours Rachel."_


	3. Chapter 3

_Finn_

The slamming of the door echoed as I stormed into Mom and Burt's house and flopped down on the sofa. Kurt took one look at me, raised his brows and asked; "Want to talk about it?"

"Nope." I hoped he'd accept that and just let it go and not push. Who was I kidding? That wasn't in Kurt's nature, of course he was going to push.

"Ok, let's just sit here and brood, that will make everything better." Snarky Kurt. Why did everyone want me to talk? Couldn't they just leave me to wallow in my own misery, was that really too much to ask?

I stared at the tv screen as Maria sang about her favourite things. The Sound of Music. Fantastic. Rachel loved that movie. Rachel. I groaned. Five years and I couldn't get away from her. Not that I'd ever really wanted to. She left, hell I'd pushed her to go, she wasn't supposed to come back. The plan had been very simple, get her to hate me then leave and never, ever look back. She was supposed to forget about me. Maybe this was my karma. I remember when Rachel had sat next to me on that stupid stakeout and explained karma to me. If you cause something bad to happen then the universe will work it until something bad happened to you. Yeah the universe was kicking my ass. My karma was a bitch, literally. I'd made a decision and now I had to deal with all the crap that came with it. Quinn was my karma. I had to suffer through her.

"So, I hear Miss Rachel Berry is in town."

Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. Wasn't there anyone in my life who didn't want to talk about her?

"Finn did you hear me? Rachel's in town."

"Yeah, I know."

"You know? Wait, did you see her?" Kurt screeched his voice going higher if that were possible.

I shrugged and kept my eyes trained on Maria dancing around with the Von trapp kids, "Quinn saw her, Rachel was leaving divorce papers."

"Quinn and Rachel interacted and the world didn't implode?"

I rolled my eyes, always so dramatic, that's why Kurt and Rachel were friends. Were. Past tense. Another thing in her life I'd fucked up for her. I needed a drink.

Though I couldn't resist asking, "What do you think she's doing here?"

"Delivering you divorce papers."

I frowned, Rachel wouldn't have come all this way just to bring divorce papers, would she? Maybe she secretly wanted to see. Yeah, to slap me across the face.

"You have to sign those papers this time, Finn."

"What?" I looked at my stepbrother as if he'd finally lost his mind. Which, you know wouldn't surprise me, it had been coming for years, I mean something had to make him crack.

He sighed and look at me with a look which was part pity, part anger, I sometimes wondered if Kurt secretly hated me just a little bit for what had happened with Rachel.

"You and Rachel were over years ago, it's time to let her go for real, Finn."

He didn't know what the hell he was talking about. Rachel and I - he knew nothing about it. Now I hated him just a little bit. I couldn't sign those papers. I just couldn't. Why couldn't anyone understand that?

Kurt sighed, I guessed he was annoyed that I wasn't seeing the sense he so obviously thought he was making. "Want some warm milk?"

I had to smile at that, warm milk was how Kurt and I had bonded when our parents first got married, I'd never admit it to anyone but I actually kind of liked it.

"Only if you put some whiskey in it."

Kurt rolled his eyes and he got up and headed for the kitchen, "I think you're starting to become an alcoholic."

"I think Quinn's making me need to become and alcoholic," I muttered as I rested my head against the back of the couch.

I need to figure out what the hell Rachel was doing back in Lima and formulate a plan to somehow get her back to New York where she belonged and the hell away from me. Sitting up I pulled my phone from my jean pocket, if anyone would know what Rachel was doing here it was the one person I really, really didn't want to call. We spoke a lot but I wouldn't say we were friends, we'd never been friends, we just had a common interest.

_It was Graduation day, I was no longer a high school student. I'd actually graduated. The whole Glee club was at Breadstix with their families celebrating together. I was hiding out in a corner booth, trying to hide from Quinn who just wouldn't stop clinging to me. When had she become the clinging needy girl? Santana slipped into the booth and glared at me. She pulled out a folded piece of paper and slid it across to me. _

_"What's this?"_

_"My phone number." _

_"Ah, Santana, I'm not really interested."_

_She rolled her eyes, "Listen up, Frankenteen, I'm moving to New York with Rachel and I've got her back but if I ever need any help I'll be calling you so you need to have my number so you know who's calling."_

_The first call came halfway through freshman year of college. I answered not really knowing what to expect._

_"We've got a problem, Frankenteen."_

_"What's that?" _

_"Rachel's crying her eyes out right now. We've got to fix this for our girl."_

_"You're going to have to handle this one on your own, Santana, she's not my girl anymore."_

_I could hear her snort over the line, "You keep telling yourself that but we both know she'll always be your girl."_

_I sighed, "What happened?" And if she said some idiot had broken her heart then I was going to put my fist through the wall._

_"She wanted to audition for this student film but the director told her she could only audition if she screwed him."_

_Maybe I'd put my fist through the wall anyway. I took a few - or several deep breaths to calm the anger, "What do you expect me to do about it?"_

_"I told you fix it."_

_"How am I supposed to do that?"_

_"I don't know, figure it out." And she hung up on me. _

_Figure it out Santana had said. So I did. She'd got me the director's details and I set up an appointment with him - since when did student director have appointments? I strode into the NYADA room he'd told me to meet up and stopped short. Seriously? This was the weedy guy who thought he had a shot with Rachel Berry? He was like Jacob Ben Isreal 2.0. He greeted me and introduced himself and asked what I had wanted to meet him for and all I could think of was the different ways I could mess him up if he laid finger on her. But he was waiting for me to speak._

_"I'm here about Rachel Berry, she tried to audition for your film."_

_He frowned, his face scrunching up and seriously he thought she'd go for him? "I don't know a Rachel Berry but I did have a Rachel Hudson come in."_

_My heart stopped beating. She was going by Rachel Hudson. I cleared my throat, "Yeah, that's her."_

_He smirked, "Yeah, I made her an offer in exchange for letting her audition. She turned it down. Shame, I would have liked to spend some time with that hot little body, if you know what I mean."_

_That was it, I saw red and in mere seconds I had his back slammed against the wall, my arm pressing against his throat, effectively choking him, "Here's how it's going to go, you asshole, you're going to call her up and apologise to her for being a douchebag and then you're going to tell her you'd love for her to audition and you will keep your hands and eyes to yourself or I'm going to come back and we're going to have a conversation which is going to go very badly for you. Do we understand each other?" _

_He nodded, his eyes filled with fear. I gave him one last shove before letting him go and walking out. I had just arrived back in Lima when my phone beeped letting my know I had a text. __**Creep boy called she's got an audition. Nice**_** work.**

I stared at my phone debating whether to call Santana or not, I'd never called her first. Before I could second guess myself I pressed the button and listened to it dial and waited for her to pick up.

"What do you want, Frankenteen?"

I chuckled, "You realise I'm not actually a teenager anymore, right?"

"Whatever. I'm guessing you're calling because our girl is back in your town."

"Yeah, what's she doing here?"

"Don't know."

"Santana."

"Look, Finn, it's not my story to tell but why don't you ask her yourself?"

"I can't."

"Right, because that would require you to ask Quinn to give you back your balls." And as usual she hung up on me. I threw my phone at the tv and watched as it impacted, the backing coming off and the battery falling out. Fantastic.


	4. Chapter 4

**_Author's Note: All of the storyline I have planned with Shelby is based on my own personal experience of my own mother passing away with cancer. Cancer is a very personal and individual disease and how I will be portraying it is the truth for me, how it happened for my mother and my grief process._**

_Rachel_

_I ran out of the building, tears streaming down my face. I couldn't breath. That tightness in my chest, that was my heart shattering. Finn and Quinn. Quinn and Finn. Naked. In bed. Together. In our bed. In our apartment. I raced down the stairs, blinded by tears. When I got to the road I collapsed to the curb. I pulled out my phone and tried to think who I could call. Who would care. Who would be on my side. A loud sob escaped my throat as the phone screen lit up with the background photo of Finn and I. How could he do this to me? I scrolled through my contacts list, hit one, listened to it ring; "Can you please come pick me up, please?" I waited for him to confirm he would, pressed the end call button, pulled my knees up to my chin and sobbed. _

_I didn't look up when I heard the car pull up. I heard the sound of his foot steps getting closer. Some people would think it weird that I'd called him but he was the one person who never pretended to like me. He actually was my friend. Us Jews had to stick together. _

_"Hey, what you doing? Hot Jewish American Princesses don't sit in gutters." I could hear the smirk in his voice. I raised my head from my knees, "Shit. Rachel, what happened?"_

_"Can you take me home?" I asked on a sob._

_"Rachel, you are home, you live here." _

_I shook my head, "No, I want to go to my Dads." I wanted to get away from here, away from them. Noah took another step closer to me. He was tentative as if he didn't want to spook me. _

_"Rachel. What happened?"_

_I swallowed and stared at the gutter, there was a penny hiding there. See a penny, pick it up, all day long you'll have good luck. There was no luck for me today. "Finn and Quinn."_

_"Finn and Quinn, what?"_

_Slowly, I raised my eyes to meet his concerned gaze as a tear dripped off my lashes, his brow creased and then realization dawned, "Finn and Quinn."_

_I nodded as a fresh batch of heartwrenching tears came. Noah sat down on the curb and I put my head on his shoulder as his arm went around my shoulders and he let me cry it out. _

I walked into the bar in the middle of the day, my heels clicking on the polished hardwood floor. This whole place had Noah Puckerman written all over it, it was all polished wood and black leather. And there he was, Noah Puckerman in the flesh, he had his back turned to me, white cloth in hand polishing glasses. I walked to the bar and perched on a stool.

"So, what's good here?" I asked cheekily.

He spun and smirked at me; "Everything," He said with a wink as he stepped forward and leaned across the bar, "Hello, my hot Jewish American Princess."

"Hello, Noah."

He reached out and tugged on a strand of my hair, "Rachel Berry, you look good, or should I say Rachel Hudson," he paused, reached under the bar and pulled out a stack of playbills held together with a rubberband, "Because everytime I've come to one of your plays every one of these has sported the name Rachel Hudson."

I shifted uncomfortably, "Some things I can't quite let go of I guess."

"Just the name you're holding onto or the man it comes from?" Noah asked as he filled two shot glasses with Tequila. I wrinkled my nose.

I shrugged at his question; "Maybe a little of both. I'm not drinking that."

He smirked at me and nudged one of the shots towards me; "Everyone's gotta do a shot with me the first time they come to my bar. It's the rule."

Rolling my eyes I picked up the shot and threw it back as fast as I could, making face as it slid down my throat. I hated Tequila and Noah knew it. He nodded his approval and threw back his own, not even wincing.

"I'm proud of you, you know that Noah, what you've done here."

"Proud enough to let me into your panties?"

I shot him a look, "The answer to that's never going to change."

"Gotta keep trying."

"What does Finn do?" I asked quietly, innocently.

"Rachel, don't do this."

"Do what, what am I doing?"

He sighed and ran a hand over the mohawk that I'd been trying to get him to shave off for years; "You and me, we're always going to be caught up in this thing with Finn and Quinn but it's been five years, the situation's not going to change."

"Wait, I know why I'm caught up but why are you?"

He avoided my eye, looking anywhere but at me and he looked anything but innocent, no matter how he tried; "Noah! Tell me you aren't."

"Fine. I'm not."

"You're sleeping with Quinn!"

"Yeah, so what? I'll take whatever I can get from her. I know the deal, she'll never leave him for me. He has a 'respectable' job, whatever the fuck that is."

"Language, Noah. And since when is owning a bar not respectable?"

"Well, I'm not a teacher like the golden boy."

"Finn's a teacher?" He'd become a teacher. He'd be a great teacher. The teacher and the Broadway star, it would have gone well together.

"Yeah. He works at McKinley, teaches music, he runs Glee with Mr Schue now."

Silence settled over us as I pondered this information. I could see Finn as a music teacher, see him teaching the drums. I wondered if being back at McKinley made him think of the past...made him think of me, all the duets we sang, all the songs we sang to and for each other. Did it make him miss me? Did it make him regret the things that happened? Did it make him think of what he'd do differently if he could do it all over again?

"Do you think he ever really loved me?" I whispered, it was a question I'd never really asked before. Noah gave me a look of pity.

"Rachel..."

I shook my head, "No, don't answer that, it doesn't matter, not anymore. I saw Quinn the other day, I really want to punch her in her perfect nose."

Noah chuckled, "Well, as hot as a chick fight would be, I don't really want her face to get damaged, but any time you want to beat the crap out of Finn, I've got your back."

"Aren't you still friends with Finn?" I asked through a smile.

"Yeah, Finn's my boy. But you're my girl and I've got your back."

It was a line he'd said to me before after he'd taken me home when I'd walked in on Finn and Quinn and then he'd proven it a few days after Santana and I had made our tentative truce and the Glee club had started choosing sides.

_The Glee club was divided. Everyone had decided that I must have done something wrong, something to push Finn back to Quinn. Finn and everyone sat on one side of the room, I sat on the other. Santana walked in and I expected her to sit on Finn's side but she surprised me and sat in a vacant seat next to me. Mr Schuester came and raised his brows at the seating arrangements but didn't say anything, just started to write up the week's assignment. Noah walked in late, as usual, he strode in a came to stand in front of the club, he nodded his head at me and then he started to speak; "Here's how this is going to go: no more Finn and Rachel duets. No Finn and Quinn duets. Rachel sings with me or Santana."_

_I looked at Santana and saw she was nodding along with what Noah was saying. Mr Schuester stopped writing on the board; "Puck, you can't dictate who sings with who."_

_Santana stood up and stood next to Noah; "I think we can."_

_"And if it doesn't happen like I just said, then Rachel, Santana and I walk. And we all know you'll be screwed without us."_

_"You can't leave because of one break up, that's mean." Tina said._

_"I think it's mean that Finn had sex with Quinn when he married Rachel." Thank you, sweet, sweet Brittany, I thought as I watched as she got up and came over to my side of the room._

_"Please," Mercedes scoffed; "Yeah, what Finn did was bad but we all know Rachel probably did something..."_

_"Finish that sentence, wheezy and you'll regret it." Santana sneered as she took a step forward. Her anger was terrifying but it was meant to protect me this time rather than torment me._

"So, enough of this shit," Noah stated, his voice pulling me out of memories of the past, "You gonna tell me what you're doing back in Lima? Shouldn't you be lighting up the lights of New York and be keeping Santana out of trouble?"

"I have something to tell you." I said my tone serious. His smirk left his face and all his attention was focused on me. "Shelby's sick."

"What?"

"Shelby. She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last year. An aggressive form. It's spread to her Liver. There's nothing more they can do."

"Shit. Beth?"

"Shelby and my Dads have gotten closer since I found her and when she was diagnosed her and Beth moved in with them. Noah, she named them as Beth's gaurdian should anything happen to her."

He nodded, "Good, that's good."

"You wouldn't want to try to get her back?" I asked gently, I wasn't even sure if he'd be able to but the question had to be asked.

"No. I love her. But she deserves a great life, your Dads can give her that. And she's still got you."

"Yeah." Of course she had me. No matter where she'd come from, Beth was my little sister.

"What's she like?"

I smiled, in all the years Noah and I had been friends and he knew I had contact with Shelby and Beth, he'd never really asked what she was like. He talked about her and asked if she was ok but never actually what she was like.

"She's beautiful. She loves musical theatre but no surprise there but she's also stubborn and kind of badass, like you." I said the last part knowing it would make him happy to know she was a bit like him.

He smiled but didn't say anything and tugged at my hair again; "And what about you? You doing ok with this?"

I shrugged; "I don't know how I feel. I'm devastated that we're not going to have more time but I'm thankful for the time we've had. I just...when something like this happens or anything big happens good or bad, the first person I want to tell is still..." I cut myself off not really wanting to admit it out loud.

"Finn." Noah could still read me like a book. I nodded.

"Shouldn't I be over this by now?"

"Nah. I don't think you ever really get over the love of your life, even if they get over you."


	5. Chapter 5

_Finn_

They say if you love something let it go, if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't it wasn't yours to begin with. But my question is, what if you don't want the thing you love so much to ever come back? And then it does. Rachel was my something. I'd pushed her away, set her free and now she was back and no one would tell me why. Puck had seen her. Puck. And he'd shrugged and said he wasn't telling me a damn thing about his girl. His girl. She'd never been his. But she'd been mine. Until I'd decided she couldn't be.

_I loved nights like these, where we could just be, Rachel curled up flipping through College information and me playing Call of Duty. We didn't have to talk we could just sit in comfortable silence, each doing our own thing. We probably should talk, we had stuff to figure out, me not getting into any schools in New York, her getting in NYADA, how we were going to make it work. _

_"You know I don't have to go to NYADA." She said quietly._

_"What?"_

_"I don't have to go to NYADA. I don't have to go to New York at all."_

_What the hell was she talking about? "Yes, you do." End of discussion._

_"You didn't get into any schools in New York, Finn."_

_Thanks for reminding me, Rachel, "So, what? We'll figure it out. You're going to New York."_

_"I could apply to Community College, they have theatre programs..."_

_She couldn't actually be considering Community College could she? I turned to her, "No you can't. You're going to New York, it's your dream."_

_"What if it's not?"_

_This was not going where I thought it was, it couldn't be. She wasn't going to give up her dream to stay here. "You're going to New York if I have to take you there kicking and screaming."_

_She shook her head, "I want to be with you, that's the most important thing, I could defer for a year, take some classes at the Community College, help you figure out what you want to do."_

_No. Fucking. Way. "That's not going to happen."_

_"So, I don't get a say in my own future?"_

_"Not when you're talking shit about staying in Lima!"_

_"Finn, I just want to be with you, you're my dream now."_

_"Stop saying that!" I threw my game controller across the room and saw Rachel flinch before shooting up off the couch and racing into the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind her. What the hell was she thinking? She was actually planning on giving up New York. I couldn't let her do that. Could I break up with her, force her to go? I knew from that conversation, that one moment, that Rachel would do anything to be with me, even giving up her dream and I knew I'd do anything to stop her. Breaking up with her wouldn't be enough, we were married. I somehow had to make her want to leave...want to leave me. I had to make her hate me._

I'd gotten her out of this town and now she was back. What would bring her back here? Not divorce papers, she'd always just sent them before. Was something wrong? Had she crashed and burned in New York? No. Rachel didn't crash and burn. Was one of her Dads sick? Was she sick? I picked up my phone and called Santana for what was the fifth time. I knew it was probably pissing her off, I didn't care. She wasn't answering and probably wasn't going to.

I paced back and forth in my living room thinking of what could have possibly brought Rachel back here, I really should have been going through sheet music for Glee. Glee always made me think of Rachel. Everything always made me think of Rachel. I stared up at the black and white photo framed on the wall. Quinn wasn't necessarily wrong when she said our place was practically a shrine to Rachel. So what. Quinn had some of Puck's shit constantly lying around. That picture was my favourite: it was a girl with her back to the camera, white lacy dress undone at the back, she was looking slightly over her shoulder, not really enough to fully see her face but just enough to notice the small smile, her long chocolatey hair falling down her back. I could see why Quinn hated it. I didn't give a shit. We'd had a few fights over that picture. The first when we were moving into this place.

_"There's no way you are putting that picture up in our home!" Quinn screamed at me as I propped the photo against the wall._

_"It's mine. I thought moving in together meant we put some of your stuff up and some of mine."_

_"It doesn't mean that picture!"_

_"It's just a picture, Quinn." It wasn't just a picture and we both knew it._

_"It's a photo of Rachel on your wedding day!"_

_"You can't even see her face."_

_"You and I both know who it is and what it means to you. Are you deliberately trying to hurt me?"_

_I didn't know what I was trying to do but I knew I wanted that picture up, I shrugged, "I'm sure Puck will let you cry on his shoulder."_

_"What the hell does Puck have to do with this?"_

_I was a lot of things but I wasn't as much of an idiot as she thought I was, she thought I didn't know about her and Puck, I did. She thought if I did know, I'd care. I didn't. I shook my head, "Nothing. I'm putting that picture up whether you like it or not."_

_"I don't like it."_

_"Tough."_

It probably was a dick move to put a picture of your wife up in the home you shared with your girlfriend but it was also a dick move to pretend to sleep with a girl to make your wife leave you so I figured it all evened out. It was like some plot out of those really bad soap operas Rachel used to make me watch with her, just for the drama of it. Maybe I sometimes still watched some of those soap operas.

"Would you stop staring at that picture?" Quinn sneered as she breezed past me on her way out somewhere, she'd probably told me where, I just wasn't listening.

"Quinn?"

She stopped, her hand on the door handle and turned back to me, "Yeah?"

"Why are we together?"

She blinked and she looked shocked but she hid it well, "Because we belong together, we work."

It was bullshit. We didn't work. Nothing about us worked. I didn't think she really loved me and both knew I sure as hell didn't love her. And we both knew why. She wasn't the girl in the picture. Quinn slipped out, the door clicking closed behind her and I went back to staring at the picture. Kurt had taken it. It was in a room at the registry office, where she'd been getting dressed and he'd gone in and caught the moment she'd looked over her shoulder to ask him to do up her dress. She'd curled her hair just at the ends. She'd said someday we'd have a real wedding in spring in Central Park, she'd wear Vera Wang and I'd give her a ring I'd got from Tiffany's.

There was a knock on the door and I tore my gaze away from my Rachel picture to open it. The person on the other side pushed past me and pushed their way inside.

"Hey Frankenteen."

"Santana."

"You really want to know why she's here?"

"Yeah. Kind of want to know why you're here, too."

"She's my girl."

Why was everyone so keen to lay claim to her? "Fine. Why's she here?"

But she didn't answer, instead she gave herself a tour of my place, walking room to room before coming to stand in front of the picture of Rachel, she quirked a brow, "How does Quinn feel about that?"

"About how you'd think."

She laughed, "Yeah well, bitch deserves everything she gets."

Same Santana. Some things never change, I guess.

"So...Rachel?"

She rolled her eyes, "Ok before I tell you this, you need to know that it's heavy, and you and I can't fix it for her."

"Just tell me."

"Shelby's dying."

I sucked in a breath. Shit. Rachel and Shelby...they were complicated and it had hurt Rachel when Shelby had rejected her then adopted Beth, I'd held her while she cried but I knew Rachel loved her.

"They've gotten closer over the years and Rachel's trying to be tough but..."

"It's tearing her apart." I finished for her.

"Yeah. Look, Finn, you were always the one who she'd come to when shit like this went down and I'm not sure that's changed. I'm only telling you this because I figure it's only a matter of time before she turns up on your doorstep and looks at you with those wounded Bambi eyes of hers."

"OK."

"No. Not ok. Because she's going to be vulnerable and I need to know you're not going to rip her heart to shreds again because it would destroy her if you messed with her."

"I won't."

She didn't look convinced though. "Maybe I'm wrong and when she finally breaks from all this mama drama and she won't come to you but..."

"She's our girl and we've got to fix this for her." I said repeating what Santana had once said to me.

"Yeah. Except we can't fix this for her." She looked up at the picture again, "It's beautiful photo. And kind of hot." She said as she walked to the door, she turned back to me once more before slipping out, "And Finn? Thought you said she wasn't your girl."


	6. Chapter 6

**_Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Glee, nor do I own Carly Simon's epically great song 'You're so Vain'._**

_Rachel_

"You walked into the party like you were walking into a yacht," Santana sang under her breath as Quinn walked into the bar. Noah's bar. Santana had arrived earlier and we'd come to Noah's and had spent the better part of the early evening drinking Tequila shots and getting slightly buzzed. I shot Santana a look, hoping she'd for once take the hint, I didn't want her to start something with Quinn. Ok, maybe I personally did but not in Noah's bar. As much as I hated it, Quinn had as much right to be there as we did. Quinn walked up to where the three of us were sitting, put her hand on Noah's shoulder and leaned slightly into him. Santana and I exchanged a look.

"Puck, hello, I was hoping you and I could have a drink." Quinn said as she smiled sweetly. We all knew Noah had never been able to resist that smile. I rolled my eyes, I knew what would happen, he'd get up and follow Quinn like a lost puppy.

Santana leaned closer to me and whispered in my ear; "I bet that's not all she's hoping they could have."

I half snorted, half giggled then elbowed Santana lightly as Quinn narrowed her eyes at us. Noah looked between us and Quinn like he couldn't decide what to do. Or what he wanted to do. But then he surprised me. Surprised all of us and extracted Quinn's hand from his arm, gave her a small smile; "Sorry, Quinn, not tonight, I'm drinking with friends." And he turned away from her and back to us. Quinn glared at Santana and I from over Noah's shoulder before stomping off gracefully to the bar and ordering a drink.

"Glad to see Quinn doesn't have a tight rein on _your_ balls, Puck."

"Shut it, Santana. If I can't get into Quinn's pants again after that then one of you two is going to have to put out."

Santana started choking on the drink she'd just downed, her eyes wide as I patted her back, "You're screwing her? Again? Didn't you learn anything from high school?"

All excellent questions. I sat up straight and turned to Noah, eyebrows raised; "Santana has a point."

Noah opened and shut his mouth then signalled to get the barman's attention; "Hey, Ben, bring us another bottle of Tequila."

"Please," I reprimanded and both Santana and Noah rolled their eyes. Santana stood up swaying slightly on her feet.

"I need to pee," She announced before heading in the directions of the bathrooms. Noah glared at me as Ben placed a bottle of Tequila in the middle of the table. I really really hated Tequila.

"You're my hot Jewish American Princess, you're not supposed to ream me about doing Quinn."

"I didn't ream you, I simply stated that Santana has a point."

"Traitor." But he was smiling so I knew everything between us was fine. Santana came wobbling back to our table, glaring at Quinn on the way past. She plopped down as Noah poured three more shots. Santana and Noah had down theirs before I'd even picked mine up.

"I need to get laid, even Rachel's looking good at this point." Santana pouted. Santana had always been a weepy drunk girl.

"Hey!" I didn't know whether to be insulted by her comment or not.

Noah smiled sloppily, "Girl on girl. Excellent."

I smacked him in the arm, "I'm not sleeping with Santana."

"Pity, it would make this night even better."

I poked my tongue out at Noah and expected Santana to hit him with a biting comment but she had her elbow on the table, her chin propped up on her hand and was staring at someone or something, Noah and I both turned and followed her gaze to...Quinn?

"It could be the booze talking, but do you think I could seduce Quinn? She's hot in a Ice Princess way."

I threw up my hands almost tipping my Tequila shot over; "Does everyone in my life want to have sex with Quinn Fabray?"

Noah smirked, picked up my shot and downed it and Santana put her arm around me; "Oh, don't worry, Hobbit, I'd do her then discard her if that makes you feel better."

"Not really. And you'd regret it in the morning anyway."

"Yeah, you're right." Santana mumbled.

"She usually is, it's irritating."

I chose to ignore that comment and change the subject; "Ooohh, you know what we should do?"

"Plot Quinn's brutal death?" Santana asked. One minute she wanted to seduce Quinn, the next kill her.

"Nooooo. Karaoke!" I clapped my hands for added emphasis.

"It's not Karaoke night," Noah stated as he stared longingly at Quinn. Quinn was staring right back.

"So? It's your bar. It's whatever night you say, Puck." Thank you, Santana.

Noah shrugged, "Fine. Do what you want." I beamed at him and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.

"We usually do," Santana said as she grabbed my hand and pulled me over to the small stage area where Noah kept the Karaoke machine. It wasn't as though there were that many customers in here to get upset about the impromptu Karaoke night, just a group of older guys in the corner, a couple of guys playing pool and Quinn and Noah.

"So, Hobbit, what you want to sing?"

But I couldn't answer, I was frozen to the spot. Because the person I hadn't seen for five years had just slid onto a barstool next to Quinn. He looked good. The same just slightly older. Had he been teaching today? Had it been a long day and now he needed a drink? He hadn't seen me yet, too busy listening to Quinn. I noticed the way his brow furrowed, the way it always did when he was frustrated with something of someone. I also noticed the glare Noah was sending in Quinn and Finn's direction. Quinn and Finn. I hated the way their names rhymed.

"Rachel?"

I turned back to Santana, "What?"

"You choose."

"You ok? You never let me choose Karaoke songs," She paused and followed my gaze to Finn, "Right. I'll choose then."

She pushed a few buttons then pulled me to the microphones. I grinned as I heard the opening cues to the songs. It seemed this was Santana's favourite song of the night. Noah turned away from Quinn and Finn and smirked at us before whistling loudly. Santana winked at me, signalling for me to start the song.

_You walked into the party_  
_Like you were walking onto a yacht_  
_Your hat strategically dipped below one eye_  
_Your scarf it was apricot_  
_You had one eye in the mirror_  
_As you watched yourself gavotte_  
_And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner_  
_They'd be your partner, and_

Santana came in then and wrapped her arm around my waist as we sang together. My eyes found Quinn first and then landed on Finn who was staring at me, beer bottle halfway to his lips.

_You're so vain_  
_You probably think this song is about you_  
_You're so vain_  
_I'll bet you think this song is about you_  
_Don't you? Don't you?_

Santana's voice faded away to let me sing the next verse myself. There was no doubt who this song was aimed at.

_You had me several years ago_  
_When I was still quite naive_  
_Well, you said that we made such a pretty pair_  
_And that you would never leave_  
_But you gave away the things you loved_  
_And one of them was me_  
_I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee_  
_Clouds in my coffee, and_

Santana came back in and we continued to sing the remainder of the song together.

_You're so vain_  
_You probably think this song is about you_  
_You're so vain_  
_I'll bet you think this song is about you_  
_Don't you? Don't you?_

_I had some dreams they were clouds in my coffee_  
_Clouds in my coffee, and_

_You're so vain_  
_You probably think this song is about you_  
_You're so vain_  
_I'll bet you think this song is about you_  
_Don't you? Don't you?_

_Well, I hear you went up to Saratoga_  
_And your horse naturally won_  
_Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia_  
_To see the total eclipse of the sun_  
_Well, you're where you should be all the time_  
_And when you're not, you're with_  
_Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend_  
_Wife of a close friend, and_

_You're so vain_  
_You probably think this song is about you_  
_You're so vain_  
_I'll bet you think this song is about you_  
_Don't you? Don't you? _


	7. Chapter 7

_Finn_

"God, could she be anymore obvious?" Quinn said, sourly as Rachel and Santana walked off the stage hand in hand. Yeah, ok so You're so vain wasn't the most subtle of karaoke choices but they were drunk, did Quinn have to be such a bitch about it? Rachel could definitely be more obvious. Painfully so.

I sighed; "Could you just try to be nice? Or at least pleasant?"

And here comes scary Quinn, she narrowed her eyes at me; "Of course. You want me to play nice with your ex wife."

She's not my ex wife, Quinn, technically we're still married. But I thought it was best not to say that and instead pretended I hadn't been listening and ordered another beer, I'd only been half joking when I told Kurt that Quinn was turning me into an alcoholic. It seemed more and more I was needing alcoholic assistance just to deal with her. What did that say about her? More importantly what did that say about me?

"Just try not to be a bitch, please?" I finally said.

Quinn sighed; "Fine. Could you stop staring at her constantly?"

"I'm not staring." But my gaze was already glued to the tiny brunette downing the shot of Tequila Puck had poured for her and scrunching up her nose at the taste of it. Rachel hated Tequila said it would burn off her vocal chords, I'd had to look it up on the internet to prove to her it wouldn't.

"Whatever, Finn, just don't be so obvious about it."

"Right," I scoffed, "Because you haven't been eyeing up Puck this whole time."

She shot me that perfect Ice Princess glare; "I'm going to the bathroom. You know, Finn, I love you, but there are moments when sometimes I really hate you."

"Feeling's mutual," I mumbled as she pranced off.

Rachel laughed at something Santana said and nearly fell off her barstool. Yeah, she was getting wasted. Was she just having fun or was she trying to numb the pain of the Shelby situation? This was the type of thing she used to talk to me about. Who did she talk to now? Puck? Santana? Or did she have some guy waiting for her in New York? Probably not, Santana would have told me about that, wouldn't she?

Rachel climbed down off her bar stool and wobbled over to the bar, smiling that big smile of hers at Ben, the barman.

"Ben! Benny, Ben! Can we get two vodka martinis. Please." She fluttered her long lashes for added effect. "Ooohh and a beer for Noah."

Ben smirked at her; "Anything for you," he finished that with a wink.

Rachel leaned against the bar, twirling a strand of hair around her finger, she looked so damn cute, then she looked in my direction and met my gaze. She straightened up and pushed away from the bar.

"Finny! Hey, Benny, have you met Finn? He's my husband did you know that?"

Oh, boy. Ben's jaw dropped and he almost dropped the cocktail shaker, "Uh, no, I didn't know that," he stammered looking between me and Rachel.

"Yup. He is. Talked me into marrying him when we were still in Highschool, isn't that romantic."

Ben nodded, "Yeah. That's...sweet."

"Mmmm, but then he cheated on me with his ex and now he won't divorce me. I've sent him four sets of papers."

"Rachel," I tried but she wasn't listening. She leaned against the bar and watched Ben drunkenly.

"And I don't know why, I mean he's still with her, so why won't he just let me go?"

I caught Ben's eye and shook my head trying to silently tell him not to answer that one but it wasn't my night and he ignored me; "Maybe he still loves you."

"Mmmm, no see that's not possible."

"Why not?" Ben asked as he handed her the drinks.

"Because, he never loved me to begin with." She replied cheerily and went back to Puck and Santana. I stared after her, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. How could she think that?

"Dude, you had a girl like that and you fucked it up, what kind of idiot does that?" Ben asked. It was an excellent question.

"What kind of idiot does what?" Quinn asked as she placed her hand on my thigh to boost herself up onto her stool.

I shook my head, "Nothing."

Quinn tilted her head and watched me; "Hey, you ok?" She asked softly, concern in her voice.

I nodded, "Yeah." And I indicated at Ben to bring me another beer. How could Rachel think that? Was it just her drunk state or did she really believe that?

Quinn started talking about something, I don't know, I wasn't really listening, I couldn't stop thinking about what Rachel had said. I loved her, she had to know that, I'd married her because I'd wanted to, did she really think none of that was real?

_It was one of those long hot summer nights, we'd just lost at Nationals in New York but I'd had the Superman of kisses with Rachel and we'd gotten back together and everything was amazing._

_We were lying on a blanket in Rachel's backyard, looking up at the stars, I had no idea which constellation was which but the feeling of Rachel pressed up against me was amazing and there was no where else I'd rather be. And that's when I knew it._

_"Marry me." I blurted out._

_Rachel sat up and stared down at me; "What?"_

_I nodded, "Yeah, marry me."_

_"Finn."_

_I sat up as well, "What, you don't want to marry me?"_

_She nervously tucked a piece of hair behind her ear, "Of course, I want to marry you. Someday."_

_"No, Rach, not someday, now."_

_"Finn. We're going into our senior year..."_

_I leaned closer towards her, "C'mon, Rach, don't you want to spend forever with me?"_

_"You know I do," She whispered._

_I reached out and cupped her cheek with my hand, "Then let's start forever right now."_

_She looked at me as if she was trying to figure something out, then she nodded slowly, "Ok."_

"Finn, are you even listening to me?" Quinn asked.

"Yeah," I automatically replied as I watched Rachel get up and head towards the bathroom, "Uh, I'll be right back."

I walked into the woman's bathroom in time to see Rachel jump up and sit on the counter, her legs swinging as she rifled through her bag.

"You don't really believe that do you?"

She looked up at me, stunned, her eyes going super wide; "Finn, this is the woman's bathroom.""

Yeah, this conversation wasn't going the way I thought it would, it could have something to do with the fact she was totally drunk and I was halfway there. I took a step closer, this was the closest I'd been to Rachel in five years, one more step closer and I'd be able to smell her.

"Just answer the question, Rachel."

"I don't really believe what?"

"What you said."

She frowned; "What did I say?"

"That I never really loved you."

She froze and seemed to sober up for a second; "Finn, don't do this."

I took a step closer and I could smell vanilla and cinnamon and something uniquely Rachel one step closer and I'd be able to touch her, "Do really believe that?"

She avoided my gaze as she whispered; "Yes."

I took a step closer and touched her cheek with my finger and she bit her lower lip like she always did when she was nervous. I was making her nervous. "It's not true."

"It's not?"

"No, it's not."

She looked up at me then and hooked her index finger around mine. We stayed like that for a moment, our fingers linked, against her cheek before she pulled away jumped off the counter and brushed past me and left me alone in the woman's bathroom.


	8. Chapter 8

_Finn _

The house hadn't changed, not that I'd expected it to. I knocked and hoped neither of the Mister Berrys would answer. Rachel's Dad's and I had a silent agreement: if we saw each other around town we would actively avoid each other. That would all be shot to hell if one of them opened the door. What would I say to them anyway? 'Hey, is Rachel here? You know, my wife, your daughter, the girl whose heart I'd smashed into little pieces.' Yeah that would go well. Maybe I shouldn't have come here. Why had I come here? Because I thought Rachel and I should talk about what had happened. Ok, that's a lie, I just wanted to see her again.

The door swung open and there was Santana wearing the shortest shorts I've ever seen, a t shirt which was slipping off her shoulder and her hair looked messy as if she'd just woken up. I wondered where she was sleeping, with Beth staying here and maybe Shelby (or was she in hospital), I knew there wasn't a lot of room. Santana leaned against the open door and smirked at me.

"Finn, Finn, Finn, what the hell did you do to our girl last night?"

I frowned, "What?" I was worried Santana was going to go all Lima Heights on me.

She rolled her eyes, "Our little midget babbled on and on about how she'd had this amazing moment with her Finny and then promptly burst into tears because what if it wasn't real? So, what did you do?"

"What did she say?"

Santana shrugged; "Something about touching and fingers," she raised her eyebrows, "So, what's that's about?"

"I touched her cheek with my finger."

She burst out laughing, "That's it?"

"Yeah."

"How very Jane Austen of you and here I thought it was some sex thing."

"Not everything's about sex, Santana."

"Maybe it should be. Maybe if the two of you got it on one last time you could get each other out of your systems."

That definitely wouldn't be a good idea. Rachel and I having sex would not solve anything, it would just makes things worse.

"No."

"Good answer," she stepped closer, "She's fragile, Finn, she doesn't need you or anyone else messing with her heart. But between you and me, she was happy to see you."

I shrugged, "That could have been the Tequila talking."

"Believe me, it wasn't the Tequila."

I opened my mouth to say something but Santana took a quick step back into the house just before Rachel came bounding the stairs, "Santana, who are you talking to?" She appeared in the doorway; "Finn."

Santana slung an arm around Rachel's shoulders and pulled her closer to her side. It looked like a pose they'd struck a thousand times. I wondered how many times they'd stood just like that, Santana being Rachel's support emotionally and physically. Rachel looked sad and tired and confused. I wondered if Santana had ever told Rachel she still spoke to me or if she knew about the times I'd gone to New York to fix something in her life.

_Something was ringing by my ear. My phone. I cracked an eye open and looked at the bright red numbers of my clock bedside my bed. Two in the morning. Who the hell would be calling me at two in the morning?_

_"What?" I grumbled. I didn't have time for hello, I wanted to sleep._

_"You have to come to New York. Now." Santana. Of course._

_"What? Why?"_

_"It's an emergency."_

_That got my attention. I sat up straight in bed and ran all the possibilities through my still half asleep brain. Rachel. Maybe she'd been hit by a bus or got dropped in dance class or mugged._

_"What happened?" I asked as I was already pulling a tshirt over my head. Emergency. She'd said emergency._

_"There's a rat in our apartment."_

_I froze. "What? That's your emergency?"_

_"Yes! Rachel went to stay at a friend's place because she thought we had mice but we have fucking rats, I just saw one."_

_"Call and exterminator."_

_"I called you."_

_"Why? What do you want me to do?"_

_"I told you, come to New York and kill the fucking thing."_

_"Santana." I said as patiently as I could, "An exterminator would get there faster than I could."_

_"We can't afford an exterminator."_

_I sighed and climbed out of bed, "Fine. I'm coming."_

"Finn, what are you doing here?" Rachel asked looking between me and Santana.

Ok, I guessed she didn't know I'd been playing Mr. Fix it for her and Santana all these years. Shit, what excuse could I come up with for being there? Luckily for me Santana jumped in; "Finn heard I was in town and staying with you and decided to come and say hi."

I nodded, "Yeah;" and then an idea came to me, "And I was wondering if you both would want to come to Glee practice this afternoon."

I watched as Rachel's eyes lit up and then just as quickly the light was gone; "I have to go to the hospital."

She looked so sad I just wanted to pull her in and hold her tight. I wanted to make her feel like her world wasn't going to come crashing down on her; "Glee's not until four so maybe you can come by after."

Glee was at three not four but I'd push it back just to get her there. The light in her eyes was back and she looked at Santana for support I guess and when Santana nodded, Rachel turned back to me and gave me a small smile and a nod, "Ok."

"Ok." and I smiled like the idiot Quinn was constantly saying I was.

Santana rolled her eyes; "Great, we'll see you later." And slammed the door in my face.

I should totally talk to Santana about her constantly slamming doors in my face and hanging up on me. But that would probably lead to her bitching at me and I figured one women in my life bitching at me was enough.


	9. Chapter 9

_Finn _

"You've never asked me to come to a Glee rehearsal." I looked up from the sheet music which was scattered all over the top of the piano at the sound of her soft voice. Quinn. She come into the choir room, her heels clicking on the floor. I was guessing Santana or Rachel told Puck I'd asked them to come to Glee and he'd told Quinn.

"We had some great times in this room, didn't we?"

I looked around the room and smiled, it was the place where some of the best moments of my life had happened; "Yeah."

She giggled; "Remember when we got mono?"

I nodded. It was when I'd set up that stupid kissing booth and I'd seen fireworks when we'd kissed. It was when I was convinced my first try with Rachel hadn't worked because I'd never gotten over Quinn. I'd gotten her to cheat on Sam with me. Maybe I'd destroyed Quinn just a little bit too. She walked over, sat down and played a little sad tune on the piano then looked up at me. Her expression was sad and there was a vulnerability in her green eyes that I hadn't seen in years. She looked like the sixteen year old Quinn who reminded me of one of those Disney Princesses and who had seemed just as enchanting.

"Why haven't you ever asked me to come to Glee?"

I didn't say anything, I wasn't sure why I'd never asked Quinn to come, maybe it was because I thought she wasn't interested.

"Did you think I wouldn't be interested? I know I'm not Kurt or...or Rachel but I do love music and I am interested in the things you do."

"Quinn."

She shook her head, sending blonde waves flying; "I've always loved you, Finn. Even when you've loved someone else."

I had to say something. She wanted me to say something. I think she needed me to say something but I didn't know what would be the right thing to say. She picked up a piece of sheet music and smiled.

"You know, Finn, in all the time we spent in this room, you never stood up and sang a song for me."

I opened my mouth to disagree but as I tried to think of one example of a song that I'd song just for Quinn, even before all the baby drama, I couldn't think of one.

"I really wanted you to," She paused and swiped at her eye, where it looked like there were tears waiting to fall, "I just once wanted you to sing to me like you sang to Rachel. And you never did."

"You never said anything."

"I shouldn't have had to."

"I'm sorry." I really was, no matter what else went on between Quinn and I, there had been a time when there was no one I'd wanted more than her. She quietly tapped out the tune to 'Say a little Prayer' on the piano.

"I knew there was something between you and Rachel. From the moment you joined Glee, there was something there. That's why I joined."

"I know."

She stood up and closed the gap between us so that we were toe to toe; "I cheated on you with Puck because I could see how close you and Rachel were getting."

"Quinn, I'm sorry." I didn't know exactly what I was saying sorry for but I sort of felt like I had to apologize.

She nodded; "I know. When you first asked me to help you push Rachel away I thought it was going to be good for us, I thought she was just a distraction you needed to get out of your system but the more I thought about it, I realized how much you must have loved her to break her heart like that so she could live her dreams." She looked down and a tear escaped her eye and made its way down her cheek, "And then I realized you didn't love me like that and that's when I think I really started to hate her...and maybe you."

"I don't want you to hate me, Quinn."

She reached up and lay her hand against my chest, right above my heart, "I don't. I really want you and me to work, Finn." She stood on her tip toes and pressed a kiss to my cheek, "You know, you didn't need me to help break her heart, Finn, you're pretty much an experts at breaking hearts, you broke mine when you broke up with me at a funeral."

"You were only with me to win Prom Queen, Quinn."

She pushed away from me, shook her head, "Prom Queen would've been an added bonus, I didn't know it then but I really wanted to win you." She turned and walked out before I could form a sentence.

What the hell would I even say to that? One thing was for sure, I'd gotten myself into one hell of a mess.


	10. Chapter 10

_Rachel _

I stood in the doorway of the hospital room and watched Shelby. Her skin was a ghastly yellow against the pure white, crisp sheets of the hospital bed, her hair which had been so much like mine had fallen out from the chemo but had just started to grow back. It was now like peach fuzz. We'd said that when it grew out a bit further, I'd get my hair cut into a shorter style so our hair could grow out together. That wouldn't happen now. There wasn't any time left. I couldn't understand how that could be. It didn't seem that long ago that I was sneaking into Vocal Adrenaline rehearsals to and listening to Shelby sing.

"Don't just stand in the doorway, Rachel, come in." Her voice was still the same, just a little tired sounding. She was always tired. She'd only get more and more tired until she slipped into a coma. I swallowed the lump in my throat and blinked back the tears filling my eyes and threatening to spill and plastered a smile on my face as I walked towards the bed. I tentatively sat on the edge and took Shelby's hand, she squeezed mine tightly.

"Your Dads were just here, they took Beth out for icecream. She loves them."

I nodded, "Yeah, she does." But she loves you too.

She reached over to the bedside table, picked up a notebook and handed it to me. I looked down at it, it looked like it was a list of songs; "What's this?"

"It's a list of songs for you to choose from to sing at my funeral."

I shot up off the bed and stared down at her; "You want me to sing at your funeral?"

She smiled slightly; "Of course I do, have you ever fantasied about your funeral? I have and in all of those fantasies my little girl, the one I gave away would stand up and sing a beautiful tribute to me."

I shook my head; "No. I can't." It was too much. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't. Tears were sliding down my cheeks, I didn't know when I'd started crying. "I still need you."

"No, you don't. You're amazing and you became that without me."

"I don't know how to do this." I wrapped my arms around myself.

Shelby smiled at me; "You do. You just say goodbye."

"I don't," a sob escaped me, "I don't want to say goodbye."

She patted the space on the bed beside her; "Come here, baby."

I walked back to the bed, climbed up and curled into her side, she stroked my hair as my tears fell onto her and those crisp sheets. I wasn't ready for goodbye, we'd barely had hello.

"You and I, we haven't had enough time, Rachel, but you are incredible, you're everything I wanted you to be and more. You're everything I wish I was but now you need to be brave."

I clung to her; "What if I can't?"

"You have to be. For Beth. She's going to need you to tell her all the things only a mother can tell her, the things your Dads can't. I need you to look after her, will you do that?"

I nodded, Beth, poor little Beth was going to lose her mother and would never be able to find her again. The tears came harder, making my body shake, Shelby held me tighter, as tight as her ebbing strength would allow. How many times over the years had I wished for my mother to hold me? More times than I could count. She'd never hold me this way again.

"I remember the first time I saw you again, Rachel, you were up on the stage at Sectionals, you sang Don't Rain on My Parade, you were amazing. You were me. I'd never been so proud. You're going to be incredible. Do incredible things and whether or not you see me, I'll be right next to you the whole time."

We lay like that for a long time before my Dads and Beth came back and I sat up, wiped my tears away and smiled shakily, told them all I'd see them later and rushed out with Shelby's list of songs clutched in my hand. There was only one place I wanted to go. McKinley. Specifically the auditorium. I was early for the Glee practice Finn had invited Santana and I to, so no one would be there and I could practice some of Shelby's songs. I could do this for her.

I walked up onto the stage and stood in the middle looking out at the rows of empty seats. So many of the significant moments in my life had happened in this school, on this stage. Shelby and I had sang together for the first time here. Lady Gaga, Poker Face. It had been what I'd dreamed it would be like. Beautiful. Painful. Amazing. I pulled her list of songs out of my pocket, it was a little scrunched, a little worse for wear, similar to how I felt. I'd expected her to in a little Barbra on her list but there wasn't any. My eyes landed on a song and I knew it was the one. I closed my eyes and pictured Shelby sitting in the front row.

_We'll do it all  
Everything  
On our own_

We don't need  
Anything  
Or anyone

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know  
How to say  
How I feel

Those three words  
Are said too much  
They're not enough

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time  
Chasing cars  
Around our heads

I need your grace  
To remind me  
To find my own

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I opened my eyes and saw I now had an audience, twelve teenagers were standing in the aisle in front of the stage, Finn and Santana standing behind them.

_Forget what we're told  
Before we get too old  
Show me a garden that's bursting into life_

All that I am  
All that I ever was  
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where  
Confused about how as well  
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here  
If I just lay here  
Would you lie with me and just forget the world? 

I finished singing and silence engulfed the auditorium, tears were streaming down my face. I swallowed the thickness in my throat, walked down the steps, past the teenagers and stood in front of Santana and Finn. Santana reached a hand out toward me but I brushed it away, took a step forward and fisted my hand in Finn's shirt and cried into his chest as his arms went around me, letting me cry.


	11. Chapter 11

_Rachel _

I was thirsty. My tears subsided and I became aware of whose shirt now had black streaks on it from my mascara and whose arms were around. And where I was. I untangled myself from Finn's embrace and rushed out of the auditorium. It could have been classed as a classic Rachel Berry storm out. I wandered the halls of my old high school until I got to the choir room. This was the one room in school where I hadn't felt like an outcast or a loser. I sat down at the piano, running my fingers along the keys. I'd used this piano to write the song 'Get it Right'. I'd secretly hoped it would help me win Finn back. But I wasn't that same girl anymore. I was stronger now. Or I'd thought I was. Something heartbreaking happens and I still run back to Finn. I heard the clicking of heels on the floor and felt Santana sit on the piano stool next to me.

"You want to talk about it, Hobbit?"

I laughed shakily; "Which bit? The part which caused the tears or the part where I cried all over the boy I married when I was still in high school?"

"Both. Either. Whichever hurts the most."

If only I knew. All the hurt was kind of mixing together. I'd thought I was starting to get over the Finn situation but coming back and seeing him and just brought it all back. "It all hurts about the same."

"You could have cried on my shoulder I was standing right there."

"I know. I just..." I couldn't find the words to explain it. Even when he was hurting me, Finn was still the one person who could make me feel better.

"He's the one person who knows how to handle you best."

"Yeah." And I really, really wished he wasn't. Santana had spent the last five years with me, shouldn't she have become that person. But Finn had always understood me better than anyone else.

"He's your lobster." Santana blurted out.

"What?"

Santana rolled her eyes, "You're named after one of the characters from Friends but you don't know the lobster reference?"

I shrugged; "I haven't seen every single episode."

"Then I guess it's up to me to educate you. In an episode of Friends Phoebe said Ross was Rachel's lobster because lobsters mate for life."

"So, you're saying Finn's my lobster?"

"Yeah," she put her arm around my shoulder pulling me closer, "What I'm saying is that you need to talk to someone about this, you're not dealing with it, you're bottling it all up, you're not talking to me."

"You want me to talk to Finn?"

"If talking to Finn helps you, then yeah, if he's the one person you feel like you can talk to about this."

I sighed, he was the one person I felt I could talk to but that didn't mean I should. We weren't together anymore. We weren't even friends, we hadn't stayed in touch. The years which passed were supposed to make it easier but now I felt torn because I really wanted to tell him all about Shelby and cry in his arms but at the same time I wanted to scream at him and hit him and hurt him. I wanted him to not be the love of my life, especially when I wasn't the love of his.

"It just hurts. Everything hurts. Shelby wants me to sing at her funeral."

Santana's arm tightened around me and I put my head on her shoulder, "That's what the song was about?"

I nodded, "Yes. She gave me a list of songs, that one of them. I don't know if I can do it, Santana."

"You can and you will, it's the last thing you can do for her, if you don't you'll regret it."

"I'm not ready." I whispered. I'd never be ready. It was all happening too fast. Shelby...I just wasn't ready to be without her...I wasn't ready for her to be gone.

"You want to sit here for a while or go watch Glee?"

I shook my head and stood up, Santana's arm falling away from me reluctantly, "No, I think I'm going to go home."

She nodded and looked like she wanted to say something else but she let me walk out of the choir room. I'd lied though, I didn't want to go home. I didn't want to have to see Beth's sweet little face and pretend everything was ok, pretend like something terrible wasn't happening. So, I went to the one place I knew I could forget all my troubles or at least pretend to.

I walked into the bar and slid onto a bar stool, Noah was behind the bar, "A shot of Tequila please, Noah."

Noah's brows shot up, "You sure you want to do that, Princess?"

I rolled my eyes, "Just give me the shot."

Sighing, he poured the shot and placed it in front of me where I picked it up and downed it in one, Noah winced; "You want to tell me why you're on a mission to get shitfaced?"

"Not particularily. Leave me the bottle."

He placed the bottle in front of me, concern etched in his expression, "Is this about Shelby? Finn?"

"Shelby. Finn. Either. Take your pick." I said as I poured another shot.

"Look, Princess, I've got to work tonight, I can't look after you."

I shrugged, "I wasn't asking you to."

An hour later and I'd managed to drink a good amount of Tequila, Noah had placed a bowl of peanuts in front of me at some stage, but they'd so far been untouched. I was definitely drunk, drunk, drunk. The rate at which I'd been downing the Tequila had increased when Quinn had come in and seated herself two stools away from me. How did she always manage to look so perfect, like a little porcealin doll. Noah and Quinn were having a heated discussion, every now and then shooting little glances my way, I tried to focus on what they were saying.

"I need you to take her home, Quinn, she's wasted."

No way, not going to happen, not even if they bribed me with the promise of Barbra's dvd box set. "I'm not going anywhere with her!" They both looked at me and I stumbled off my stool and made my way to the bathroom. I went into a cubicle, shut the door and sat on the floor, my back against the wall. A moment later I heard the door open and the click of heels on the floor.

"I'm not going with you."

I heard Quinn sigh. She even sighed perfectly; "I don't like this anymore than you do, Rachel but Puck can't leave."

"I'll just stay here. I'm not leaving with you. You ruined my life."

"I didn't ruin your life," She said quietly, "You have an amazing life, you live in one of the most amazing cities doing something you love."

"Fine. You ruinned my marriage."

"Yeah, I guess I did. But maybe I did you a favour. You got out of this town. Just let me take you home and you can continue hating me tomorrow."

"No," I said stubbornly, "Go away."

"Fine." Heels clicked against the floor again, the door opened, then there was a pause before it closed again. Quinn had obviously given up trying to convince me to let her take me home. I didn't want to go home. I couldn't go home yet, Beth would still be awake and I didn't want her to see me drunk. I also didn't want to have to look into her sweet little face and smile and tell her everything would be ok. Everything would not be ok. But I couldn't hide in a bathroom all night. I slowly stood up and opened the cubicle door and saw Finn leaning against the bathroom door. He must have come in as Quinn was leaving.

"Noah's delusional if he thinks I'm letting you take me home."

Finn smirked; "I think I might have a bit more luck than Quinn did convincing you."

I scoffed; "I can't believe Noah would think I'd go anywhere with your girlfriend."

He shrugged; "Maybe he was just hoping for a chick fight."

That made me smile. And I hated that, that he could still make me smile. That I still wanted to fall into his arms and cry and have him stroke my hair and tell me everything would be fine, even if it wouldn't. I hated how he still made me feel.

"You want to talk about this afternoon?" The smirk fell away to be replaced with concern. I hated that he could still be concerned about me. I hated the confusion that caused.

I shook my head; "I'm sorry I cried all over you."

"It's ok, I don't mind."

"I do." I shot back. I walked up to him until we were almost toe to toe, "Could you move please?"

"Let me take you home." He said softly and his voice still managed to get under my skin. Still managed to make me ache for him.

"I don't want to go home. Not yet."

He nodded, as if he understood. He probably did. He'd always understood me better than anyone else. I hated that. "So, let's go somewhere else, let's just get out of here."

And I almost caved, almost agreed. Until I remembered about Quinn, about how he'd always chosen her over me. About how she was probably waiting out in the bar for him. About how he wasn't mine anymore.

I shook my head and took a step back, he took one forward following me. "I can't. Your girlfriends waiting for you."

"She can keep waiting. I need to make sure you're ok."

He wanted to make sure I was ok? I wasn't ok, I hadn't been ok for a long time. I'd just been faking it. "I'm not ok. Shelby's dying and there's nothing I can do to stop it. And I hate her a little bit for leaving me even though it's not her fault and I hate myself a bit for it."

"Rach, it's ok to be angry."

"I know!" I shouted; "I'm not just angry, I'm pissed off!"

"I know."

But I didn't really hear him, I was already off on a rant, "I'm pissed that she's dying, that we don't have more time and there's so many things I still want to say to her, so many things I want to ask her, things I want to know. Things only a mother can tell me. I'm so angry that for a short time I had your mother who was so amazing to me and that you just ripped that away from me because you couldn't keep it in your pants and resist Quinn Fabray."

"Rachel," he said in a pained voice and reached out.

"No! I hate that you're the only person I can even stand to talk to about Shelby but most of all I just really, really hate you!"

He reached out to touch me again and this time I let him, his thumb stroking my cheek, "I know you do, I really wish you didn't."

I blinked and a tear slid down my cheek only to be wiped away by his thumb, I took a step closer and looked up at him; "But you know what I hate most?"

"What?"

"That I don't really mean that, I don't really hate you but I really wish I could." I turned my head and pressed a quick kiss into the palm of his hand then pulled away, stepped around him and pulled open the door where I almost ran into Noah who looked past me at Finn then down at me questioningly. I shook my head, "Just let Ben take care of the bar and take me home, Noah."


	12. Chapter 12

_Rachel _

I groaned at the sunshine streaming into the room and rolled over opening my eyes reluctantly and came face to face with Noah.

"Morning, Princess." It was too early for his cocky smirk.

I scowled at him, why did he insist on talking so loudly?

"Don't worry, Princess, I didn't take advantage of your drunken state," He jokingly leered at me. I sat up in bed and Noah handed me a glass of water and some painkillers. I downed them without hesitating. This wasn't the first time I'd ever woken up next to Noah Puckerman. Not that anything had ever really happened between us, he was more interested in blonde, green eyed girls who were involved with his best friend.

"So, you gonna tell me why you were downing the Tequila like it was water?"

"No." I felt weird talking about Shelby with Noah.

"Ok, how about what went on between you and Finn in that bathroom."

I also didn't want to talk about Finn with Noah. "Nothing happen."

"Uh huh, that's why you looked as guilty as hell."

"Who looked guilty as hell?" Santana asked as she appeared in the doorway and then crawled into bed between us. It also wasn't the first time I'd been in bed with Santana. We'd shared a bed for the first year we were in New York.

"The little Jewish American Princess when she came out of the bathroom after she had some quality time with Finn." He waggled his eyebrows for added effect.

"Oooohhh, was there some more fingering?" Santana asked with a wink, why did she have to encourage him. I swear the two of them were put on earth with the sole purpose of torturing me.

"Wait, there's been fingering?" Noah looked intrigued. Oh dear God.

"No! Santana don't tease Noah."

Santana rolled her eyes; "He touched her cheek with his finger and she swooned."

"I did not swoon." What I didn't say out loud was that I'd gotten butterflies. They'd torture me for weeks if I told them that small detail.

"Of course you did, Princess, he's always had that effect on you."

"Whatever," I said as I sat on the edge of the bed and pulled on my boots.

Santana smacked Noah in the chest, "Now look what you've done, you're making her leave."

Noah chuckled; "Shame, it's been a while since I've had two hot girls in my bed."

"So, we're hot?" Santana asked.

"You know you are," Noah drawled.

"Hotter than Quinn," Santana asked slyly, she was treading into dangerous territory. We didn't talk about Noah and Quinn.

"Quinn sure as shit won't be in my bed anytime soon," Well, that was new, "She said she just wants to be friends. Without benefits."

Santana snorted as if she couldn't quite believe it, I wasn't sure I did either; "When did she come to this revelation?" Santana asked.

Noah sighed; "About the same time our little Princess rocked back into town."

"Then she's full of shit. She's just worried Finn is still hot for Rachel.

"He is." Noah said as if it were completely obvious.

Rolling my eyes, I grabbed my bag off the floor, stood up and headed for the door; "I have to go but have fun discussing my non-existant love life."

"We will," Santana said cheerfully.

"Don't go, Princess!" I heard Noah call as I left.

It's not as though I really wanted to go, I'd much rather spend the day cuddled up, watching movies with the two people I considered my best friends and my family but Shelby had written a letter and I'd promised to deliver it. No matter how much I didn't want to, I would do this for Shelby.

So, for not the first time I found myself in front of the door to the home Finn shared with Quinn. It was a school day so Finn probably wouldn't be there, I couldn't decide if I was happy about that or not. I raised my hand and knocked. Maybe if I was lucky Quinn wouldn't be home either. Apparently, I wasn't lucky. Once again I was face to face with the perfect Quinn. She was wearing one of this dresses which made her look like she was a house wife from the 1950s. Not a hair out of place. I was still wearing the clothes I'd been wearing the night before. As always, I felt inferior and insecure standing before Quinn. She looked surprised to see me. She recovered quickly, though.

"Rachel, how's the head?"

"Fine. I don't really get hangovers." That was a big fat lie, my head felt like it was going to explode but I wouldn't let her know that. Must not show weakness.

"I don't know if Finn's signed the divorce papers yet."

She thought I was there to pick up the divorce papers, I shook my head, "I'm actually here to talk to you."

She looked uncomfortable; "Ok."

"Could I come in?"

That made her look even more uncomfortable and she shot a look over her shoulder, then stepped back to allow me to enter. The living room was perfectly Quinn. Everything in its place. Something caught my eye. It was a photo. That definitely wasn't all Quinn, I wondered why she'd allowed it. It was a photo of me, from when Finn and I had got married. Me in all my black and white glory. I heard the door slam and I spun around.

"We fight about that a lot." Quinn stated, her face stormy.

I wanted to ask why it was hanging there, why she didn't take it down but instead I pulled the envelope out of my bag and held it out to Quinn.

"As you probably know, Shelby is dying, she asked me to give you this."

She eyed the envelope questioningly but didn't take it, "What is it?"

I shrugged, "A letter. For you, I don't know what it says but I promised I'd give it to you."

She took it but didn't open it. "Beth? How is she?"

"She's finding it difficult to understand that her mom will be gone but she's ok."

Quinn swallowed and looked down; "I would never try to take her away or replace Shelby but do you think I'd be able to see her?"

"Just read the letter, Quinn, then maybe you can talk to my Dads."

She looked up and nodded as a tear slid down her cheek, she swiped at it quickly, not wanting me to see her cry. "What's she like?"

I studied her for a moment, saw the vulnerability in her face and in that moment she wasn't the Quinn who'd purposely taunted me for years and took my husband but a girl who'd given up her baby and whose decision still haunted her. I could give her this one kindness.

"She's amazing, she looks a lot like you, all blonde hair and green eyes, she's feisty too. She's so smart, she's in the highest reading group at school."

Quinn nodded, "That's good. Does she...does she know about me?"

"She knows she's adopted and she knows you exist but she's six, I don't think she really knows what that really means."

Quinn looked hopeful, "Does she ever ask about me?"

"No. Not really but that doesn't mean she won't. She's losing her mom, Quinn, let her deal with one life changing thing at a time."

She nodded. That was my cue to leave, I'd done what I promised Shelby I'd do, now I just had to get the hell out of there. I walked past her and had my hand on the door handle when she spoke again.

"I love him. Finn. I always have, I desparately wanted Beth to be his."

I spun around, not sure if this was a conversation I wanted to have with her, but at the same time I was sort of intrigued to see what she was going to say and also I had to ask; "If you love him so much why to you keep getting involved with Noah? It's not fair to either of them."

"I know. But Puck he wants me unconditionally. I thought when you left that Finn would finally be able to love me but there are moments where I honestly think he hates me."

"He doesn't hate you, Quinn."

"But he doesn't love me either. Not really," She gestured to the picture of me hanging on the wall, "He stares at that thing as if he's praying to it."

I shrugged, "Maybe he just likes it for it's composition, it's quite an artsy photo, maybe it has nothing to do with me."

"It has everything to do with you! He can't let you go. He won't. I can count on one hand how many times we've had sex in the last five years."

I didn't want to hear this. I didn't want to hear about Quinn and Finn having sex. It made my skin crawl. I turned to go, pulled the door open but her voice stopped me again.

"And everytime we did have sex, we both knew he was wishing it was you."

I spun again, opened my mouth to say, I don't know what but my phone rang in my bag, not taking my eyes off Quinn, I pulled it out and answered it; "Hello?"

"You need to come home." Santana stated on the other end.

"What happened?" Panic was rising. My heart was beating faster. Please, please, please, don't say Shelby's died. Not yet.

"Just come home, Rachel." Santana said softly, then hung up. I held Quinn's gaze a moment longer then walked out, shutting the door behind me. I drove the drive back to my Dads house on autopilot. It was the middle of the day, what could have happened that I needed to be home urgently? I pulled up, walked up the path and into the house and saw Santana sitting on the couch, Beth curled into her side.

"Santana, what's going on, why isn't Beth at school?"

At the sound of my voice, Beth flew up from the couch, ran to me and wrapped her arms around my middle and pressed her face into my stomach, crying softly. I reached down and stroked her hair as I shot Santana a questioning look, she stood up.

"Your Dads called and asked me to pick Beth up and bring her home."

"Why?"

Beth looked up at me then, her little angel face tear stained; "Mommy's gone to sleep and she's not going to wake up. The angels are coming for her."

My gaze shot up to meet Santana's eye, "Coma." she mouthed at me. Oh god. I held Beth tighter. I thought we'd have more time. More time to talk to her, more time to prepare ourselves and Beth. We stood there in the living room with Beth clinging to me until her tears and sobs had subsided then we managed to extract her from me and convince her to curl up on the couch to watch Beauty and the Beast while I went into the kitchen to make her hot chocolate with little marshmallows. Santana followed me into the kitchen. I pulled out the pan and the milk and set it on the stove. Santana hoisted herself up to sit on the kitchen counter.

"Talk to me, Hobbit."

I shrugged avoiding her gaze, "What's to talk about?"

"How you're feeling?"

"I really don't want to talk, San."

"Rach." I hated the pity which was in her tone. I walked out of the kitchen with Santana following close behind, I picked up my bag off the floor and pulled the front door open.

"Where are you going?"

"Just look after Beth, please."

I didn't really know where I was going. I just knew I couldn't be there. I drove around for a while until I ended up at the High School. I got out of my car and walked into the school, the halls were quiet, classes were in, I guessed. I walked to the choir room and to the office which joined onto it. I wondered if he had a class to teach but he was sitting at the desk, sheet music scattered all over it. I stood in the doorway and knocked lightly. His head came up and he looked at me, stunned.

"Rachel, hey, what...is something wrong?"

"Hello, Finn," I said as I took a step into the office, "So, you really are a teacher."

He smiled, "Yeah, I was kind of lost after high school so Mr Schue let me help run Glee for a couple of months and that's when I realised I could really do this, so he helped me get into college."

"That's great, Finn. Really."

He frowned as he studied me; "You ok?"

I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat. I didn't know what I was doing there. "Shelby went into a coma, she went into a coma. Santana wanted me to talk about it but all I wanted to do was get out of there. I don't know if I want to talk."

"But you don't know you don't," He finished for me.

I nodded, "Yeah."

He looked down at the desk, then back up at me, "You can hang out here for a while if you want, you can help me."

I took a step closer and sat in the spare chair, tilting my head to look at the sheet music, "What are you doing?"

"The kids, they want to do some more modern rock, you know, not eighties rock and I'm having trouble finding some that would be appropriate."

I smiled slightly, "That's something I can definitely help with."

He grinned at me as he handed me a pile of sheet music; "Ok, you take this pile."

We sat in silence as we looked through the music. It wasn't uncomfortable silence but it wasn't entirely comfortable. I wondered if I should tell him I'd seen Quinn, should I mention that I'd seen the photo of me and ask him about why he had it hanging in the home he shared with another girl? No, that probably wasn't such a good idea. I snuck a glance at him and quickly looked away when he caught my eye.

I cleared my throat, "What about Nickelback?"

He wrinkled his nose in that cute little way I'd always secretly loved, "Do they have any songs that don't involved swearing or blatant sex?"

I flushed at the mention of sex and my mind instantly went to the conversation I'd had with Quinn, her voice ringing in my ears; 'He was wishing it was you.' I shook my head to clear my head.

"Yes. They do. They have quite a few actually. Or what about Hinder or The Killers. Or Pink? Would Pink be rock?"

He nodded, "Yeah, those could all work."

I handed over the sheet music I'd found. The conversation seemed to lull and I searched for a safe subject to bring up.

"You know, Santana went through the phase of wanting to be in a rock band for awhile?"

He quirked a brow and his lips twitched into a half smile; "Really?"

I nodded, "Yeah, she decided she wanted to play the drums."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I came home one day and she had a whole set of drums set up in our living room. I have no idea where she got them."

That wasn't entirely true. But I was trying to catch him out. He and Santana didn't know I knew they were still friends and still spoke. Santana didn't tell me, she was trying to protect my feelings, she thought I was delicate or whatever but I'd once seen her phone ringing when she was in the shower and the caller ID had said 'Finn'.

_It had been a long day of classes and I was glad to get to finish early, I had been having trouble getting a particular turn right. As I climbed the stairs to get to the loft Santana and I shared, I could hear voices. Santana's and...Finn's? _

_The door to the loft was open and I peered in. Finn was there. Biting my lip, I slipped out of sight into the hallway and leaned against the sliding door and listened. _

_"Thanks for bringing me the drums." I heard Santana say. _

_"It's ok." I could almost picture him shrugging. _

_"So, how often are you going to come to teach me how to play these things?" _

_I heard Finn sigh; "I can't come to New York on a regular basis to teach you to play the drums." _

_"Fine. I'll find a teacher but I'm sending you videos and calling you at random times to play for you over the phone." _

_"Just don't call me at two am like last time." _

_Last time? Why didn't Santana tell me she talked to Finn. I crept away from the door and went back down the stairs and decided to take myself out for dinner. If Santana didn't want to tell me Finn had been there then I'd just pretend I didn't know._

"Was she any good?" Finn asked, shaking me out of thoughts of the past.

"No. Not at all she sounded like a toddler banging on pots and pans."

Finn chuckled; "Come on, she can't have been that bad."

"She really, really was." Silence settled over us again, Finn turned back to the sheet music and I stared down at my feet. "Finn?"

"Yeah?" He asked without meeting my gaze.

"I don't want Shelby to die." I blurted out, my eyes filling with tears. Finn looked up at me and rolled his chair closer so our knees were almost touching.

"I know," He said quietly.

"Do you think she really loved me? Like she loves Beth?" A tear slipped out and I knew it wouldn't be long until more followed.

He cupped my cheek with his hand and swiped at the tear with his thumb, but as soon as he'd wiped that one away, another came, "She loved you." He said it with such certainty, as if it were stupid to think otherwise.

"How do you know?"

"Because it's impossible for anyone to meet you, to know you and not love you."

With that one simple, beautiful statement, the flood of tears I'd been trying to fight back came rushing out and soon I was shaking with sobs, Finn wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to his chest where I clung to the front of his shirt and cried for Beth and the loss she was about to face, I cried for Shelby and the life she would never get back and I cried for myself and the life I wished I'd had with the woman who was my mother and the man who now held me in his arms.


	13. Chapter 13

_Finn_

I loved weekends. I could just lounge around, I had nothing to do, nowhere I needed to be. Over the years Quinn and I had perfected our weekend routine: usually she would be gone before I woke up - gone doing whatever the hell it was she did - and I wouldn't see her again until dinnertime. But when I padded out to the kitchen, there she was sitting on the sofa, paper clutched in her hands looking sad and unsure. It also looked like she had been crying, actually crying not just the one tear thing she usually did. She looked like the Quinn I used to know, the one who hadn't shut off all emotion, I used to like that version of Quinn.

"Hey, whatcha doing?" i asked hesitantly. I didn't want to startle her and make her clam up and revert back to Ice Queen Bitch Quinn.

She sniffle. Quinn Fabray never sniffled. It was unladylike or some shit. She looked up at me; "Shelby wrote me a letter. I've been avoiding reading it but I just read it."

Shit. Why did I get the feeling this wasn't going to be good? "What does it say?"

Quinn sighed; "She regrets giving up Rachel, she loved her from the moment she saw her and she regrets not being a part of her life. She regrets missing out on so much."

I tensed, every muscle in my body clenching; "Isn't that something she should have told Rachel?"

I'd never been a big fan of Shelby's, she'd sought Rachel out, got her attached to the idea of having a mom then told her she thought a relationship would be too confusing. Rachel had put on a brave front but I knew how hurt she'd been.

Quinn shrugged; "Maybe she didn't know how." She said quietly.

I thought that was bullshit. You just opened your mouth and said it. Nothing difficult about that.

"What else does it say?"

"She wants me to be a part of Beth's life, she doesn't want me to have the same regrets."

Well, shit. "Do you want to be a part of Beth's life?"

We'd never really talked about Beth. It had always seemed like Quinn just didn't want to talk about Beth. I guessed it hurt too much. But now faced with the reality of actually being able to get to know Beth, it seemed Quinn wanted to talk. I just didn't know what to say back.

She shook her head; "Of course I do, but I don't know anything about her." She looked at me with watery eyes; "What if she hates me?"

Crap. What the hell did I say to that? I couldn't say that it was impossible to hate her because there were moments when even I hated her. And there were guarantees Beth would automatically like her.

"What if Beth likes Rachel more than me?"

"She won't." I said, trying to sound sure. Again, what was I supposed to say? Beth knew Rachel, Rachel was basically her sister, she'd never really met Quinn.

"You do." Quinn shot at me. Low blow, Quinn. Fuck. Here we go. How the hell did Quinn go from sad to angry in less than five seconds? I knew what would come next. Next she'd be bitching about how every conversation we had came back to Rachel. The funny thing was Quinn was the one who always brought Rachel into the conversation. I sure as shit never wanted to discuss Rachel with Quinn. Basically, we'd been having the same fight for the past five years. I turned my back on Quinn and went into the kitchen, if we were going to do this again, I'd need some coffee.

"Why did you do it, Finn?"

I turned back to her, confused; "Why'd I do what?"

"You once asked me if I wanted to know why you made Rachel believe you cheated on her."

I shrugged; "What does it matter Quinn? You didn't want to know before."

"I want to know now." She demanded.

Of course she wanted to know now. Sighing, I rubbed the back of my neck; "It's in the past, just let it go."

"Why should I let it go? You obviously can't."

We stared at each other, caught up in a silent battle. Why did everyone want me to talk about Rachel? Why couldn't I just wallow in my own misery.

"She was talking about not going to New York. She said she could just stay here. I couldn't let that happen."

Quinn stared at me and then she started laughing. How exactly was any of this funny?

"And people call me heartless. You couldn't have just broken up with her? Put her on a train? Followed her to New York? Figured out how to make it work?"

I shook my head, I really didn't want to get into this with Quinn, "I needed her to leave me behind. What would I have done in New York? I needed her to hate me so she'd be strong enough to leave me."

Quinn tilted her head and studied me; "Love and hate, Finn, they're just different sides of the same coin."

I didn't say anything. There was nothing to say. There was a rapid knock on the front door and I went to open it. Puck pushed passed me leaving the door wide open. Fantastic. He had that determined look on his face. I hated that look. It usually meant trouble. He spun and pointed a finger at me; "You need to back the hell off, dude."

Ok, now I was confused; "What?"

"You need to stop messing with her head."

I didn't even need to guess who he was talking about. Quinn looked between us; "Whose head is Finn messing with it?"

"Rachel," Puck said glaring at me.

Quinn rolled her eyes; "Of course."

This was not a conversation the three us should be having. I shouldn't be talking about my wife with my girlfriend and my best friend who was also my girlfriend's lover.

"She's got enough shit to deal with without you playing games with her head and her heart. You made a choice, you need to live with it."

"I am living with it!" Quinn jumped a little as I shouted.

Puck sighed; "Just don't fucking sing with her, that would completely ruin her."

I stepped up, closing the gap between us and used the slight height difference to my advantage. "You really need to mind your own fucking business. You don't know what you're talking about."

We silently stared each other down, my fists clenched at my sides. I really wanted to punch Puck. When exactly had he become the one protecting Rachel from me? When did he become the one who knew more about her life than I did?

_Three months after High School Graduation, I sat on a beat up sofa downing shots of vodka, then moving onto bottles of beer until I was almost completely wasted. Drowning my self-induced sorrows. Sam Evans was hosting a party for Puck. _

_Puck, the guy everyone had thought would become a Lima Loser had sorted his shit out and I was still fumbling around. Puck had gotten into some Bar tending course in New York and Rachel and Santana had invited him to live with them for the four months the course would take. I was jealous. Rachel would never fucking invite me to visit her in New York. And it was my own damn fault. But that night I was drinking and wallowing in self pity and hating Puck a little. _

_I took another swig of beer and mumbled a song under my breath:_

_She fucking hates me  
trust  
she fucking hates me  
la la la love  
I tried too hard  
and she tore my feelings like I had none  
and ripped them away_

_I barely even noticed Sam sit down beside me; "You need to stop, Finn. Try to be happy for Puck."_

_"Happy because he gets to see my girl and I don't?"_

_"Finn, Rachel's not your girl anymore. You cheated on her. That was your doing, not Puck's"_

_Didn't mean I didn't want to punch him, though._

I shove Puck in the chest and stalked into the bedroom, slamming the door behind me. Quickly I pulled on a pair of jeans and a t shirt, shoved my wallet in my back pocket, pulled my shoes on, pulled the door open and walked out of the house with Quinn calling after me.

**Note: The lyrics are She fucking hates me by Puddle of Mud - I do not own these or any part of Glee**


	14. Chapter 14

**_Author's note: I'm sorry for the lack of updates, I've been busy with University. Also, the song at the end is Bright Lights is by Matchbox 20 and I do not claim to own any part of it or any part of Glee, they belong to their respective owners. _**

_Finn _

I stomped into Mom and Burt's house and briefly considered kicking over the chair which was sitting beside the front door. I'd much rather kick Puck's head. I hadn't felt this way about Puck since I found out about Beth being his not mine. If I was really honest, it wasn't really Puck I was pissed at.

_Love and hate, Finn, they're just different sides of the same coin._ What the hell did that even mean? The living room and the kitchen were empty. Love and Hate. You don't love someone you hate but could you hate someone you love? What the hell had happened to my nice, simple weekend? Oh, that's right Quinn had ruined it with her tears and Puck had stomped all over it with his telling me to stay away from Rachel. Didn't he think I'd been trying to stay from her all this time, it hadn't been working.

Puck was right that I'd made a choice but he was wrong if he thought I hadn't been living with it. I'd not only been living with it but I'd also been beating the shit out of myself everyday ever since. Everything I'd done since had been to make myself feel like crap. What was that thing - self-flag something. I'd been doing that. But you know not literally.

I walked in Kurt's room without knocking and flopped down onto his bed and stared at his ceiling.

"Let me guess, you don't want to talk about it?"

"You guessed right."

A pile of scarves landed on me and I sat up and glared at my step brother. He smiled a smug smile at me; "If you don't want to talk you can help me organize my scarf collection. Alphabetically."

How do you organize scarves alphabetically, better yet, who would want to? I threw the pile back at him then pushed play on his ipod. Matchbox 20's Bed of Lies filled the air. Since when did Kurt listen to Matchbox 20? Though the song was weirdly appropriate. Wasn't I lying in a bed of lies of my own making? Kurt went back to organizing his scarves and singly quietly under his breath. I studied my step brother. He didn't belong in Lima. I kind of blamed myself for that one. The plan had been for Rachel, Kurt and I to go to New York together but I'd fucked that one up. My brother deserved to know why.

"I didn't have sex with Quinn." I blurted out.

Kurt gave me a doubtful look; "Sure Finn, if you say so." He rolled his eyes for added emphasis.

"I'm serious," I said firmly.

He sighed dramatically, the way he always did when he realised he needed to explain something to me. "Finn, you and Quinn have been together - or what ever the hell it is you two are - for five years, of course you've had sex."

"I didn't have sex with Quinn." I repeated slowly, holding eye contact with Kurt. Come on, Kurt, don't pretend to be dense, it doesn't suit you. He stared at me, frowning and then his eyes went wide. And there it was.

"You didn't have sex with Quinn," He said slowly, as if he were merely testing the words out. "You mean five years ago?"

Now he was getting it. I nodded. He blinked slowly, still staring at me, "But Rachel walked in on you two in bed."

"She saw what she needed to see to get her out of this fucking town."

He lowered himself heavily onto the edge of the bed; "You made her think you cheated on her."

I nodded; "Yes."

I wasn't expecting or prepared what happened next; Kurt slapped me. He slapped me like a little girl. I've been slapped a few times in my life, most of those times by Rachel and I'd deserved all of them, wasn't sure if I deserved to be slapped by my brother, though.

"You did it to make sure she went to New York."

"Yeah." I said as I flopped down on the bed, my cheek still stinging. Kurt flopped down beside me.

"You know, Finn if this were a movie it would be kind of romantic. Except if this were a movie you wouldn't have stayed with Quinn for so long. Why did you?"

I shrugged; "It beat being alone." Yup, I'm a douche bag.

Kurt sighed; "This is like one of those really depressing Russian romance novels where the two lovers are tragically ripped apart."

"Yeah, except I'm the one who did the ripping apart bit."

We lay side by side in silence until Kurt quietly asked; "Why did you do it?"

Why did it take Quinn five years to ask what took Kurt five minutes to ask? Maybe Quinn didn't care as long as she thought she was getting the upper hand.

"I thought she deserved better than any life I could offer. Deserved better than me." That was the honest truth of the matter. I'd told Quinn that Rachel had been talking about staying and yeah, that scared the shit out of me at the time but I knew deep down it was that I knew I could never really follow her to New York, I'd never make it out there and I'd just hold her back.

"Wasn't that for her to decide, though?"

I shrugged; "It doesn't matter now, does it?" I said bitterly. "There's more," I paused not sure if I should say more but it felt like I was at confession or something, five years of not talking about it and then that tiny thing I still called my wife waltzed back into town and suddenly I couldn't shut up; "I sometimes go to New York. To her apartment."

Kurt looked at me, eyes wide, he really did look like Bambi in that moment. "More. I need more information, Finn."

"Santana sometimes calls me when things need fixing," I shrugged like it was nothing. It wasn't nothing. I lived for those trips, to see where she lived, to stand in her living space and for a moment close my eyes and pretend I was still a part of her life.

"How often?"

"At least once every two or three months."

"And she never knows you've been there?"

I shook my head, "No." I knew if Rachel did, I would have received a phone call with her screaming at me.

Kurt propped himself up on his elbow and looked down at me, studying me; "You want to know what I think?"

I shrugged, it didn't really matter whether I wanted to or not, Kurt would tell me what he thought. It's not like I actually had an option.

"I think what you did could be considered honorable in a completely messed up, twisted way. You're not necessarily the villian in her story but you're also not her hero."

"I know."

"You broke her heart. You almost broke her. Intentionally."

"I know."

Kurt patted my chest, "Good," and got up and went back to rearranging his scarves while I stared at the ceiling and thought about the fucked up melodrama that was my life. I smiled as I thought about the last time I'd been in Santana and Rachel's apartment in New York.

_It was the middle of winter and Santana and phoned me bitching about how the radiators weren't working and that I needed to get my custard filled nipples there and fix it. I'd asked why she couldn't just get a maintence guy out there to do it. She'd told me he was a perv who stole her and Rachel's underwear and then hung up on me. I really hoped she was just saying that to get me there. It was a good thing Mom, Burt and I had frequent flyer miles._

_So, I'd gone and fixed the radiators - when I say 'fixed' I mean I turned the knob to on - a job which took like a minute then flopped down on the sofa while Santana made hot chocolate before she sent me on my way. On the coffee table was a illustrated biography of Barbra. I sat up straighter and picked up the book, as I did a photo slipped out of the pages and landed in my lap. I picked it up and stared at it. It was a photo of me and Rachel. She kept a photo of us._

I was pulled from my thoughts by my phone ringing in my back pocket. I lifted off the bed a little to reach into my pocket and pull my phone out.

"Hello?"

"I need you to find Rachel."

Santana. I sat up on the bed, "Why? What's wrong?"

"She went to the hospital early this morning and she hasn't come back yet. She's not answering her phone."

"What's going on?"

"I can't leave Beth here alone. Just find her, Finn." There was an edge in Santana's tone which was harsher than it usually was. This was serious.

"I'll find her." And for once I hung up on her.

I was half way out the door before Kurt even had the chance to ask me where I was going. I didn't time for questions now. I had a feeling about what was going on but until I found Rachel I couldn't be sure.

I already knew where she'd be. It was the one place she really ever felt comfortable in her own skin. It was the place where she gravitated to when she was happy, sad or angry. It was the place she felt most at home.

I walked down the aisles as I had so many times before. And there she was. Sitting crossed legged in the middle of the stage, a tiny figure. I knew by the way she straightened that she knew I was there. Like always, I waited for her to speak. This was as well rehearsed as any dance we'd ever done.

"This is where we first met. It's where you first kissed me." Her voice was so quiet I had to strain to hear her. It was also shaky. She'd been crying. Her gaze flicked up and met mine. "You were my best friend. We were friends."

"We can be friends again."

She shook her head; "We were never friends. I always wanted you even before Glee."

"Rachel..."

But she wasn't listening. "I sometimes wish it had never happened, that you'd never joined Glee, that you could go back to a time when you were just the cute boy who never noticed me."

Slowly, I walked up the steps onto the stage and sat next to her, my legs stretched out, "I always noticed you, Rachel, even when I didn't know who you were. I always noticed you."

"You thought I was some crazy girl."

"Yeah but you were damn cute too."

She bit her lip and glanced down, fiddling with the bottom of her dress in that way she always did when she needed to say something but couldn't or didn't know how to. She looked back up, her eyes filled with tears threatening to spill over. My heart clenched in the way it always did whenever I saw Rachel cry.

"Shelby," a sob escaped her; "Shelby...she died."

She barely got the words out before the sobs took control of her and the tears were flowing. Crying, she put her head on my thigh and curled her body into a ball, I wrapped one arm around her and stroked her hair with the other. Her sobs echoed through the auditorium. She didn't protest as I pulled her up to rest against my chest, she just clutched my t shirt in her fist and drenched it with her tears. I held her and comforted her the only way I knew how: by softly singing to her.

_She got out of town  
On a railway New York bound  
Took all except my name  
Another alien on Broadway  
There's some things in this world  
You just can't change  
Somethings you can't see  
Until it gets too late  
Baby, baby, baby  
When all your love is gone  
Who will save me  
From all I'm up against out in this world  
Maybe, maybe, maybe  
You'll find something  
That's enough to keep you  
But if the bright lights don't receive you  
You should turn yourself around  
And come on home  
I got a hole in me now  
yeah,I got a scar I can talk about  
She keeps a picture of me  
In her apartment in the city  
Some things in this world  
Man, they don't make sense  
Some things you don't need  
Until they leave you  
And they're things that you miss  
Baby, baby, baby  
When all your love is gone  
Who will save me  
From all I'm up against out in this world  
Maybe, maybe, maybe  
You'll find something  
That's enough to keep you  
But if the bright lights don't receive you  
You should turn yourself around  
And come on home  
Let that city take you in, come on home  
Let that city spit you out, come on home  
Let that city take you down, yeah  
God's sake turn around  
Baby, baby, baby  
When all your love is gone  
Who will save me  
From all I'm up against in this world  
Maybe, maybe, maybe  
You'll find something  
That's enough to keep you  
But if the bright lights don't receive you  
You should turn yourself around  
And come on home  
Come on home  
Baby, baby, baby  
Come on home  
Yeah, come on home  
Yeah, come on home _


	15. Chapter 15

_Rachel _

Dead. Gone. Ceased. I'd never see her again. I'd never talk to her again. Two days. She'd been gone for two days. I couldn't comprehend it. I'd seen her body, though, held her hand, kissed her cheek but it was like my mind couldn't process what I was being told, what I was hearing. She'd given me life and now she no longer had hers. She'd never grow old. She'd never see Beth grow up, see her leave for her first date, her first school dance, see her graduate. She'd never get to sit in the audience when I starred in a Broadway production. Two days. My Dads were busy planning the funeral. The funeral. We were going to put her in the ground. The thought made my chest heavy. Two days and I couldn't get out of bed. I wouldn't. The glaring red digits of my clock told me it was five in the evening. It was Monday. Two days. Beth had crawled into bed with me the night before and I'd inched closer to her, stroked her hair and listened to her even breathing. Santana had come in this morning to get Beth up and take her to the park or library or something.

Noah had come sometime earlier and had laid beside me. He wanted to talk. He wanted me to tell him how I felt. I didn't know. I was angry. I was devastated. I didn't know how to put into words how I was feeling. He'd pressed a kiss to my forehead and then he left. I knew he was worried about me. Everyone was worried. I didn't have a photo of Shelby. Or of Shelby and me. What if I slowly forgot what she looked like, what her voice sounded like?

"You've got to get up, Hobbit." Santana was standing in the doorway. I blinked and hoped she'd go away. She sighed; "This isn't you, Rachel, this staying in bed all day."

"Go away." I croaked. My voice was raw from the tears I'd shed. The tears which wouldn't completely disappear.

She shook her head; "Can't do that."

"What do you want?"

She stepped into the room and pulled the covers off me and off the bed and glared down at me; "I get it, I get you've lost Shelby but there's a little girl downstairs who is confused and who needs her big sister. You need to get your shit together."

I got up and pulled on a hooded sweatshirt I didn't know I owned and put on some sweatpants and brushed past Santana and hurried down the stairs. I heard Santana following me.

"Where are you going?"

"You wanted me to get up, I'm up. Now I'm going out." I threw over my shoulder as I pulled the door open and left the safe haven of my parent's house. I wanted to drink. But first I'd sorted through my feelings and I was pissed off and I knew exactly who I wanted to channel that anger towards. I strode of down the street. I wasn't stupid, if I wanted to drink later then I couldn't drive.

I arrived at my destination and stared at the door. I knocked rapidly. The door swung open and Finn looked down at me. I ignored and pushed passed him into his home. Quinn was at the stove, stirring something in a pot. It was the perfect picture of domesticity. She spun at the sound of Finn saying my name. She looked at me with something closely resembling pity. I hated her for that look most of all. I strode over her and before I could think about it I raised my hand and slapped her. She clutched her cheek and looked at me with wide eyes.

"What the fuck, Rachel?"

I ignored Finn and kept my attention firmly focused on Quinn who was speechless. I felt the familiar burn of tears filling my eyes and tried to blink them away but they were more stubborn than I was.

I took a shuddering breath, "I hate you so much."

"Rachel," I held up a finger to signal for Finn to just shut the hell up.

"I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone in my life, Quinn."

"I know," She whispered.

"You're a home wrecker. You knowingly destroyed the best thing in my life. You treat people like they're trash beneath your feet. I hate that you didn't want that sweet little girl and because of that you'll always have more in common with Shelby than I ever will." I swiped at the tears making their way down my cheek. I didn't want to cry. Not here. Not in front of her.

"Rachel."

I spun around and pointed an angry finger at Finn; "And you! You kept choosing her over me. You always wanted her. Why couldn't you have just left me alone in the first place? Why did you have to make me love you then destroy me?"

He held his hands up in surrender, his chocolate-cinnamon gaze softening and boring into me, silently pleading with me. He walked towards me and I took a step back and backed into Quinn.

"I hate you!" I screamed but I didn't know who I was saying it to. "I hate you," but this time it came out as a whisper.

"No you don't," Quinn said as she came around to face me, "It's not us you really hate, is it?"

I shook my head; "It is. I really do hate you."

Quinn laughed; "Ok, you hate me. But you don't hate Finn, not really. It's not him you hate right now."

"It's Shelby." Finn said softly.

My gaze flickered up to meet his. He tilted his head and held my gaze. I couldn't look away as the tears slid down my cheeks and I wrapped my arms around myself. Quinn stepped closer to me.

"It's ok to hate her, Rachel. It's ok to be angry. She abandoned you and now she's dead. You can be angry if that's what you need."

I licked my lips and tasted the salt of my tears, I was crying but I kind of wanted to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, I was in my husband's kitchen being comforted by his girlfriend as I had an emotional breakdown.

"Why does everyone I love keep leaving me? Why don't they want me? What's wrong with me?"

Finn closed the gap between us even more and the three of us formed a triangle, close enough to touch; "There's nothing wrong with you. There's something wrong with them."

It was the perfect thing to say. It was also the worst thing to say with Quinn standing right there. I tore my gaze away from him, wiped my face and stepped back and around them and walked out of their home shutting the door behind me.


	16. Chapter 16

_Finn _

Black. That was the theme of the day. The thunder clapped outside and rain poured down from the black clouds in the sky. Mom had once told me that when the weather was stormy on a day of a funeral, it was somehow good luck, like the rain was helping wash the spirit into the next world. The rain was helping wash the hurt away from those left behind. I wasn't sure if that was true or just a story to tell a child but it seemed like a nice theory.

We - Puck, Quinn, Santana and I stood in the Berry's living room dressed in black. We were there for Rachel. Well, you know all of us except maybe Quinn. Rachel hadn't come down from her room yet.

"She says she's not coming," Puck said, he'd just come back down the stairs from trying to talk Rachel into coming down.

Santana sighed; "I told you. I tried being nice, when that didn't work I tried being a bitch."

Quinn scoffed; "I thought that was your default setting."

Fantastic, this was about to turn into a bitch fight between Quinn and Santana. How did Quinn manage to make even today all about her? Santana muttered something in Spanish under her breath. Puck rolled his eyes; "San, stick to English."

Santana shot him a glare, then turned her venomous look onto Quinn, if looks really could kill; "What the hell are you doing here anyway?"

Quinn narrowed her eyes and flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder; "I'm here to make sure my daughter is alright."

Santana stepped up, getting into Quinn's space; "Your daughter? The one you gave away? Don't get any ideas about messing with that baby girl's head."

"I don't think..." Puck started but Santana held up a hand. This was like being back in high school. I sat on the couch and waited for the drama to unfold.

"Stay out of this Puck, stop trying to defend your slut of a girlfriend," Puck's gaze flittered onto me - what, he thought I didn't know about him and Quinn? Santana took another step closer to Quinn until they were almost nose to nose; "I'm gonna tell you how it is, Beth's mom just died, her real mom, the one who has loved her and raised her for her whole life. She's confused and sad and the one person she needs is sitting in her bedroom refusing to come down."

I saw the stormy look pass over Quinn's eyes, the Ice Princess was in full force and for once I wasn't going to be on the receiving end of her nastiness. Quinn pushed Santana away from her; "Maybe but I gave birth to her, she needs me too."

A slow smirk made its way onto Santana's face, this was about to get even bitchier, "I get it. This isn't about Beth is it?"

"Santana," Puck tried again.

"Shut it, Puck. This is about having one up on Rachel, what it's always been about. Well, guess what Quinn, Beth loved Shelby, she loves Rachel. More than she'll ever love you and if you think you can get between that then you're delusional."

The only sound in the room was the crack of Quinn's palm connecting with Santana's cheek. I shot up off the couch and Puck swore. What was it with the women in my life slapping each other? I expected Santana to slap her back but she just smiled as if Quinn's slap had just confirmed everything she'd just said.

"Santana?"

We all turned at the small voice. Beth stood in the doorway fiddling with the bottom of her black dress, it was a gesture which was so eirily Rachel. Her green eyes were wide and scared. Santana went and knelt in front of Beth.

"Hey Beth."

Beth reached forward and played with the ends of Santana's hair. Quinn watched the interaction with a blank expression.

"Tana, is Rachel coming out of her room today? She has to."

"We can't make her, Beth, she'll come down when she's ready."

Beth shook her head and her eyes filled with tears, I saw Puck take Quinn's hand. Beth bit her bottom lip, another gesture which was all Rachel, "She has to come down. She has to sing."

Santana stroked Beth's cheek; "Why does she have to sing, baby?"

"Because Mommy said Rachel singing would help her find her way to Heaven. If she doesn't sing how will Mommy know which way to go?"

Quinn made a sound halfway between a sob and a whimper and pressed a hand to her mouth, Santana threw her a look over her shoulder. I took a step forward, "Don't worry, Beth, she'll be there." I'd make sure of it.

Santana glared at me and turned back to Beth, "Finn's right, we'll make sure she's there. You go into the kitchen and have some of the pancakes Hiram made for you, ok?"

Beth eyed me, but nodded and ran towards the kitchen. Santana stood up and glared at me; "Alright, Frankenteen, how the hell are we going to get Rachel to funeral and convince her to sing?"

I fiddled with my tie nervously, "I'll go talk to her."

"We've already tried talking to her," Santana protested.

Puck rolled his eyes and scoffed; "Yeah, we've tried but in waltzes hero Finn and she's bound to listen to him." Sarcasm dripped from every word.

Santana looked thoughtful, "Actually, she probably will."

Santana exchanged a look, it was a look full of understanding, a look which reiterated the agreement we'd made years ago to look after Rachel and fix things for her. Quinn pulled her hand out of Puck's grasp and wiped her eyes; "I'll go with you."

I wanted to protest but what was the point she'd follow me up to Rachel's room whether I wanted her to or not. Santana rolled her eyes but didn't say anything.

I made my way up the stairs with Quinn following close behind. I got to Rachel's bedroom and stared at the shut door.

"What are you going to say to her?" Quinn asked quietly.

I shrugged; "I don't know yet." And I pushed the door open and stepped into the room. Rachel was sitting on the edge of her bed, dressed in an immaculate black dress and she was running her hand down the skirt smoothing out wrinkles which weren't really there. She looked wrecked, she looked worse than she had the day before. Her gaze was lowered but I could see the tears clinging to her lashes. "They've sent you two up here? Really, they think the two of you can say anything they haven't?" I heard the scorn in her voice, I also heard the way it hitched. She looked so tiny, so breakable, so tragic. I stood rooted to the spot, I felt like I couldn't move, all I could do is watch her.

Quinn didn't have the same problem, she stepped forward; "Rachel you have to come down."

Rachel shook her head; "I can't."

"You have to. For Beth, she thinks Shelby can't get into heaven if you don't sing. Don't be so selfish."

Fuck maybe Quinn really was missing her heart. I took two steps forward and grabbed Quinn by the arm and dragged her back, pinning her with a look; "Don't be a bitch, Quinn, not now," I hissed.

Rachel's raised her eyes to look at us; "I'm selfish, Quinn? How's this for selfish, I wish it was you who were dead, not Shelby."

I pushed Quinn behind me, I didn't want her saying anything else stupid or bitchy. Rachel's gaze settled on me, her eyes were bloodshot, the mascara she'd put on was running down her cheeks. I walked over to the bed and knelt in front of her in the same way Santana had done with Beth. I could feel Quinn's glare on my back. I stayed silent. Waiting. Rachel would talk to me I just had to wait her out. She bit her bottom lip the same way Beth had as she watched me.

She shook her head again; "I can't go, Finn, please don't make me."

"I can't make you do anything but I think you'll regret it if you don't."

"If I go, then she's really gone."

"She's gone anyway, Rach," I said gently.

Rachel nodded; "I know. But I don't want to say goodbye, I don't know how. How do I bury her?"

I reached up and brushed a tear away with my thumb; "Don't think of it as burying her, pretend you're tucking her into bed one last time."

She took a shuddering breath; "I can't sing, Finn."

I nodded, tracing circles on her cheek with my thumb; "You can. Give her this last gift."

"Does Beth really think she can't get into heaven if I don't sing?"

"Yeah."

She raised her hand and hooked her finger with mine, both our hands pressed against her cheek; "Ok. I don't know if I can do it but I'll try. For her." She pulled my hand away from her face, took her hand back, stood, brushed her cheeks and walked out the door. I slowly stood and followed her, making eye contact with Quinn as I walked passed.


End file.
